hihi long time no see. at the moment i'm still working and travelling rurally to fulfill my visa extension requirements. long story. either way, i'm 81 days into my 88 day labor, literally only a week left of the 3 months. i could talk at length about everything i've experienced and learned in the last 3 months of couch surfing between strangers' homes in the australian countryside, moreover i could talk about everything that's happened in the last year, my first real year of being alive.

i need to keep my scope narrow, however. i'm always self-analyzing and pulling weeds minimum 4 hours a day gives me plenty of time to reflect. i've had an epiphany pertaining to my self-expression, art, and this website by extension. i write a lot, it's something i enjoy doing. for a long while i haven't felt much need to, nor do i have much time to, but it's something i come back to either for fun or for coping. along those lines though i've always wanted to get into poetry, but never felt like i could. finally noticing this was ANOTHER weird always-been-there self-imposed dissociated barrier probably from creativity trauma, i sat on it for a while.

what i found was something deep yet cathartic. writing abstractly has always been hard for me because i was never understood. every time i write, i feel like what i'm saying NEEDS to be understood. i agonize constantly over how my communication is coming across, if i'm understandable. writing in metaphor is so difficult, not because i can't think or write in the abstract, but because i am dreading the possibility of being misinterpreted, misconstrued, misunderstood, misheard. anything of the sort that i do write ends up feeling constricted or amateurish, since i'm focusing on ways to say them that are easy to grasp. and honestly now that i know that i think it's fucking stupid. i'm glad i figured that out so i can hold myself more accountable when writing. i want to do it so i just should, fear or not. do it scared, as people seem to say now. i've proven to be courageous a thousand different times by now, there's no reason i can't for this one.

i hope that this is another big step towards my ultimate goal of rekindling my creativity. my sense of creativity was completely suppressed and deadened for most of my life, and i know how much i crave to get it back. it's a journey i've been undertaking by myself, extremely slowly and gradually chipping away at fractional aspects of it over time. this site was created initially for that purpose, even if i wasn't nearly as self-aware then, and i return to it now with the same goal in mind. i'm putting poetry on my site, again, to hold myself accountable that i should make it and post it and it doesn't matter how illegible it turns out. that's what poetry is. that's what writing is. that's what art is. that's what expression is. that's who i want to be.

05-25-2025