last few days have been hard. something that really triggered me, i knew it would, was an egregiously invasive health exam sanctioned by the government for my visa extension. i already did one a year ago, for some reason the govt wanted an identical record of my medical history, and they forced me to pay nearly $1000 for it in total. when i arrived at this evil building i was put in the patient processing assembly line with about 60 other migrants, cycled in and out of changing rooms and nurses' stations. most of it was a blur, i was blind with anxiety and the resulting dissociation. i barely felt anything, but i could tell i felt vaguely awful, so i treated myself to some kfc on the way home. i didn't start returning to my body until i was at my desk again. very gradually that awful feeling came to the forefront, and i recognized it for what it was: violation. i felt violated and humiliated. i remembered some of the questions the doctor asked me, and it turns out that doctors who choose to work in a private insurance company office who also get to decide the fates of immigrants don't have great bedside manners. questions about my history of self-harm and wanting to see my thighs, about how much time i really need to recover from getting blood drawn, about the effects of hormones on my genitals. it's been a really long time since i felt violated, i almost didn't register it, truthfully though it is deeply implanted and utterly unmistakable.

if that was all i had to go through though this post probably wouldn't exist. the same morning, my online best friend of 7 years made a rash decision to kick another long time friend from the server. this marks the 4th person that left the place somehow in the last year. for any long time readers (lol) you might've heard about this problematic married couple. well the problematic husband is my best friend of 7 years, and his wife during this drama left discord altogether. everything about this situation was a red flag, and i spent a long while thinking it over. since moving to australia i've made quite a bit of distance from this group, what with my life getting so constantly busy and the 15-hour timezone difference, despite that group previously being one of my only safe spaces ever in my life. because of this distance, when my friends kept leaving one by one, i felt like i didn't have the context or anything to say anything about it one way or the other. when asked for my opinion on drama i would just kind of deflect, try to play both sides, or stay silent. this instance though was different. the friend kicked this time was a really long time friend whos been involved in everything since the beginning along with the husband and i.

now we've had conflicting political opinions for a grip, maybe since forever, but that didn't used to get in the way of us enjoying each other's company and having good times as people. things have clearly changed. some kind of disagreement happened, and what came out of it was this friend admitted he doesn't trust the husband anymore. the husband took this as an attack, some kind of media brainwashing, and he believed this friend was a fake all along.

i do not need to know the context or the conversation to know what the fuck is happening here. it made me upset for days knowing that my best friend was becoming radicalized, starting to alienate everyone and isolate himself (and his wife removing herself from everyone outright) out of paranoia. i cried for so long coming to terms with having to cut him off even temporarily. this morning i mustered up the words to tell him the truth, that the vibes are really off when all of our friends keep saying they don't feel safe around him, that i'm tired of playing both sides and waiting for people to get better, and that the problem is the way he treats people instead of any petty political differences. i told him how grateful i am for his company and his safe space when i had nothing, how much he means to me. i said i do not want to lose him, but i'm at the point where i'm uncomfortable too and i want some time and space to myself, then i left.

within 20 minutes he dm'd me. some shit about how stupid i'm being and how fake i am. telling me that actually i'm a hypocrite and all that clearly means nothing to me. i fucking snapped. i full on blew up right back at him. how fucking dare he? he immediately showed his true colors and disrespected everything about me the moment i showed the first fault in my loyalty. the part that fucks me up the most is that i was afraid that was going to happen, part of myself knew this would happen. i hate being right, i'm so pissed off. he said some disgusting shit about me making stupid decisions because the media made me scared or whatever. no, you dumb cunt, i am scared and i'm scared of YOU. that's why all your friends are gone now. the close friend you kicked, and me, your best friend who you blatantly lashed out at just to cause pain. i blocked him before he even finished typing.

i'm just so angry and sad, and completely exhausted. i decompressed by walking laps in the nearby cemetery, taking in the cold wind and grey skies. it's hard to believe it all ended like that. to help with the grief i've already started analyzing the good things to takeaway. i think i communicated exactly how i wanted to, compassionately yet selfishly. as much i hate feeling anger, i'm so extremely proud of myself for getting outraged and using that sheer rage and power to defend myself. it was warranted and i am justified. i didn't say anything i didn't mean, yet none of it was intended to wound. it feels great to be able to rely on myself to stand up for myself. all throughout the process i've been telling myself it's ok to cry, it's very appropriate and normal to let it out. after such an intense and harsh loss, i am so glad that i have such control over my emotions, i can express them so naturally and shamelessly. it has made these stages feel so manageable, not horrible, not eternal. something like this in the past would've been impossible to deal with for weeks. i also remind myself that most of my life exists right here, all around me, within my very hands, not stuck online. my housemates made themselves fully available for me today as soon as i told them. i already have been moving on this whole time. my journey forward continues unimpeded, perhaps with even less weighing me down.

06-19-2025