i want to give an update on the previous entry, because it is relevant to something else going on. i have indeed lost a really close friend of several years. i approached in good faith hoping to temporarily cut contact, and that first ever lapse of loyalty sent him into scorched earth mode. i blocked him after he called me stupid and a snake. all this i covered previously, the new development is that he went out of his way to message me on steam, only to call me a flight risk, and that secretly everyone in my life knows i'm not to be trusted because i turn my back on my f*mily and my friends. he told me i should be embarrassed for escaping abuse. i had dreams following this of losing everything. getting deported back to my old house, fighting verbally and physically with my mother and grandmother, trapped again in my old bedroom, encased in glass this time to signify that i will never have my own privacy nor agency.

it was awful, but i found that it doesn't matter. with this person out of the picture, the entire friend group revived from death. about a dozen people who were inactive or kicked for years came back, feeling a newfound sense of safety. we've all done so much catching up and we are all leaps and bounds better people than when i last spoke to them. one even transitioned during her time away. this point of pain in my life that i was numb to, a neutral dull ache i hesitated to engage with, was excised to make room for a wholly positive uplifting group of friends. people who i actually enjoy. the loss of someone we all care for is shared between us, and we've all supported each other. it's only been a couple weeks and i think we're all already moving on.

i am taking these lessons with me into the next challenge. this time, it concerns my roommate, my rescuer. too many individual events have happened since last november to recount them all. by nature and by nurture i am an observer, i've noticed these patterns, the big picture, and i have tried to work through things with her for so long to no avail. at a point, she made the boundary with me that i was doing too much therapy for her, and i was relieved that the pressure was off me. i should've spoken up sooner too. still, gradually she's only deteriorated. nonlinearly, but declined nonetheless. a laundry list of poor coping skills including substance dependency for mood, isolation, relationship pleasure seeking, limerence, self harm, cries for help. idk probably other shit i'm not privy to. she has a lot of new friends who show up to the house unannounced who i've still never actually met. last night at 3 in the morning she returned home and told me she did ketamine. she's... really sick. it makes me so... just, sad and disappointed. i know for certain that it's too much for me to shoulder, even just a little. i feel powerless that i can't do anything to help, especially since i think she is actually secretly hoping i will, but we have not had any real communication in a while either so i don't know. and besides, she told me not to before.

my other roommates are fed up with the behaviors. she's grown significantly careless and absent, so many chores and responsibilities end up neglected, or worse, half-assed. her propensity for explosive breakdowns has made everyone afraid of confronting her, so tension and resentment has been building. what started as a complaint about dishes quickly escalated to unjust victimhood, blaming, quitting collaborative work, and threats of moving out.

normally, and what i've already done in the past with similar situations involving the same people, is negotiate. i foster agreements and compromises because i love both of them. with my latest loss, though, i'm fed up. i pride myself on my immense patience, not only do i think it has finally run out, i think i need less of it. after 7 years of playing both sides for my toxic former friend who turned out to be in the wrong anyway, i'm tired. these are the first times in my life where cutting somebody out tangibly benefits an entire group. my group. my friends. i am triggered by the lack of harmony. i've been getting in the way of long overdue confrontations between other people. another manifestation of my people pleasing, i'm an enabler.

once again i'm taking it as a good sign that i'm angry. ever learning to harness it and own it. i am learning to trust myself with it. i already trust my judgement, and i'm listening to it when it makes me frustrated. i feel these things for a reason, and i know now that i am reasonable. people who need to be defended or justified over and over and over again are not reasonable. i'm tired of it. i'm done.

as i write this, i'm sitting in the library with my 2 roommates who actually make me feel safe, supported, and loved. we don't feel safe in our home but we feel safe together. we've had really constructive talks about the situation and have reached the same conclusions, i've even guided them through the grief of needing to set harder boundaries. to me, it's palpable how similar this dynamic is. the most toxic person holds all the power, and i've been defending them, holding out hope that they can get better, neglecting the actual victims around me who i care equally for. my familiar exhaustion and new experiences are telling me to change, to protect my loved ones instead of enabling the manipulator, whom i also love.

07-06-2025