something's been on my mind for a while now. i've been idly ruminating on it for a few weeks i think, then some shit happened last weekend that's definitely brought it to the forefront of my thoughts, and i cannot shake it. i floated the idea of writing this entry for a couple days, switching back and forth between feeling the desire to write and thinking it's fine and i don't need to. ultimately, meditating and crying under the full moon tonight tells me that it is in fact something i need to confront.

on halloween i hosted a really cool house party with minimal trouble. i looked good and i felt great about it, with a cute dress and sexy scary goth makeup. what's got me all fucked up is that 3 different girls were into me and flirted with me. this probably sounds insane and ridiculous and like more of a brag than anything. truthfully, i've been heavily triggered ever since. nothing bad or weird about it, literally just my body overreacting hardcore. i've been able to identify 3 main reasons for my emotions feeling uncontrollable.

the primary and most obvious one, fucked attachment. the most pervasive trauma that i'll always be struggling with to some degree for my whole life. coming from a f*mily that made me feel purely burdensome and an understanding that love is limerent obligation really sets you up for failure. then my one and only romantic relationship being horribly emotionally abusive, no boundaries, suicidal threats, hot and cold cycles, the works, totally reinforced all those foundationally wrong beliefs. these days, at this point in my life, i know so much better. i'm so painfully aware of myself and how to protect myself even around the trickiest people. yet, just the mere hypothetical possibility that new girls are interested in me, the very suggestion, and that i can allow them in my life like that, has my entire nervous system lurching in terror. i had a dream last night where i felt an intimate touch on my shoulder from some unidentified partner. i woke up with a start, jumping straight upright in a cold sweat.

i can name the sharpest trigger, and it's feeling inadequate. the common theme in my f*mily and with my ex was that nothing i did was ever good enough, or they wanted me to be someone i'm not. i'm innately phobic of doing the wrong things, messing up, making mistakes. i know logically in relationships that there's no such thing as doing something wrong, and even if there was then it would be impossible to avoid mistakes since everyone has difference expectations, goals, approaches, and affections. emotionally though, the only thing that my spinal cord understands is the pressure to be perfect. how i can tell that i'm really fucking cooked is how i don't actually fear punishment or horrific repercussions, i'm much more afraid of the inferiority itself. experience tells me that's symptomatic of feeling like i deserve punishment.

the second thing, the suddenness. in hindsight, in my head i've like completely written off the possibility of having a relationship. this didn't bother me, i'm demi and i just kind of figured i would be single for a super long time until i simply felt like having one some indefinite time later. having 3 girls express interest in one night, really breaks the whole illusion of existing in my own bubble. honestly it hadn't occurred to me that other people could want me before i wanted them. well, that's not entirely true. i have rejected tons of people, i actually quite enjoy being a tease, but the key difference is that they were all either men or otherwise people i dislike. what i truly never expected was that women strangers could approach me. upon reflection i think i assumed i was unapproachable to the kinds of people i'm attracted to, and if i felt something then i would be the one to approach them. as it turns out, the world doesn't work like that. the perspective i believed is shattered.

speaking of shattered perspective, the third thing. this is absolutely the first time i've considered any kind of romantic intimacy or dating in many years. confronting these demons now has me realizing i've repressed all my romantic yearning for quite a while. feeling like i'm wanted is hitting like a truck, since as it turns out i've secretly wanted to feel wanted for a long time. a secret to me, at least. in reality, i think it might go back much farther. one of the feelings that made me realize i was trans in the first place was desiring belonging and acceptance from women. i can feel this particular insecurity worming its way back into my unconsciousness. it poisoned me when i was with my ex as well, i had such an insatiable hunger to absorb feminine traits/skills from her, and losing her felt like losing my only outlet for exploring femininity, the end of the world. as the adage goes, i probably wanted to be her more than i wanted to be with her. anyway, this feeling, trigger maybe, is coming back and is very likely entangled in all my attraction towards women. i'm finding, coinciding with the full moon in taurus, that i am indeed yearning steady romance and sensuality. i'm not even actually attracted to any of the 3 girls from the party that started this whole thing. i'm just scared because my understanding of myself was wrong, i'm also just scared of intimacy and my own unhealthy patterns.

what's really fucked up is that i knew this would come eventually, i just didn't expect it to be now. it feels too soon, which makes no sense. i never had an expectation of how long it would take. now, it makes my ribs bend and my heart sink knowing that the only way to heal these attachment wounds and triggers is to directly refute them by having healthy relationships. i just feel such all-encompassing dread thinking about inviting that evil within back into my life. no doubt, these are my strongest and most debilitating triggers, and i do not want to feel them again. but this fucking dread will never go away if i keep running away from it and pretending it's not there. i'm depriving myself of health and fulfillment. i have to do it scared. funny enough, none of this apprehension comes from communicating these triggers to someone. as it turns out, establishing boundaries with a receptive person is easy, and so is cutting out unreceptive people.

that said, i don't actually have anyone in mind. i'm pretty sure i'm not attracted to anyone in my circles, including the girls from the party. demi attraction is so fickle. i think what i have to do instead is come to terms with how i'm feeling, then find the strength to talk about it with my closest supports, then i guess generally change the way i interact with the world. i mean i've already felt extraordinary confidence in my body and soul, what i think i have to change though is that i still implictly uncritically assume myself unworthy of some normal fucking things, like relationships. unravelling this trauma shit takes so much time and active energy dude it's so exhausting. at least i'm doing it at all, and i've done a ton already.

11-06-2025