hihi everyone!! it's been a while since i've written in my diary, and it's also been a bit since i feel like i've done something meaningful with my website in general,,,, there's a few reasons for that and i've been meaning to pin this part of my life onto a page. also it's my birthday today lol

i mean first of all i'm busy as fuck. reflecting on myself from the past, or even just like this time last year, it's insane to me how much i've changed. my calendar is constantly full of life responsibilities, work meetings, events, or parties, not even accounting for the chores and meals i do at home. these days it feels like if i have even one day off where i have literally nothing to do, i go a little feral, like today, which is why i'm writing. i find that i actually do kinda enjoy having a ton of plans on, and it also feels great that i can strategically plan certain days to have relatively less to do, or fully rest days. i did plan my birthday today to have nothing going on, not even chores, and i'm surprised that i feel bored and restless. i used to never have anything going on ever, and i resented when i did. of course i never had the chance when i was an abused neet, but later (last year) when i did have the chance i tended to opt out, having a comfortable maximum of like 3 things per month. now i feel so fucking GOOD about myself and my body has so much ENERGY it's gross. i was a little worried for a bit thinking i might be manic, but actually i'm unbelievably present and unanxious. only times my mood has swung into hypomania i felt significantly uninhibited, dissociated, and panicked all the time. this feels like the opposite of all those. i'm just happy and confident normal style. funny how being stuck at a garbage baseline distorts your actual reality, even when that baseline improves to a much less bad but still kinda bad level.

for real though, this busyness in the last couple months was fucked up. the very truncated version of it goes something like this: our landlord decided to sell our house, our lease ran out and no one has bothered renewing it, we've had a lot of strangers inspect our place meanwhile we've been inspecting a lot of other places to move to. everyone in our house including me got extremely involved in different administration/management areas for our community event space, since it just became a worker's volunteer cooperative. in december we also volunteered to house a homeless girl for at least 3 months since we had at least that much time per tenant's rights. literally just days later our one housemate took a holiday to taiwan for a month and the other housemate applied to a house without the rest of us and moved out. very quickly we realized "oh shit we can't afford rent with just us 3 remaining we're fucked". so the homeless girl we promised stability to rocks up, moves in, and then first night we're all like "uhm sorry we are also homeless in one month so you gotta get out in like 3 weeks". she was pretty understandably depressed and helpless so we did literally all we could to reach out to our contacts for her, didn't make her do any chores, tried to cook for her and teach her to cook for herself, etc. then we moved her out and i was so fuckin relieved she found a cheap stable place, i felt so responsibile for her safety since i promised at the start. during that whole time it was just my wife and i taking care of the house, our vacationing housemate's dog, our guest, our garden, and each other, and we're both disabled as fuck lmao. we were so domestic it was fucked up and awesome.

that segment of the story has been resolved, the time where my wife and i were taking care of everything while we had 1 or 2 guests to take care of. our housemate's been back from taiwan for a couple weeks and is reintegrated in chores and whatnot. that doesn't change the fact we're still fucked for rent, and we didn't make our end-of-january deadline, so we have just straight up eaten an enormous financial loss for february's rent. at least we have 4 more weeks to keep applying for new houses. the market is so ass and so many days are impossible to travel due to 45C weather. no air conditioning! fuck me! and of course we keep getting busier with co-op work since it's approaching our grand reopening in february. plus my stubborn ass initiated and is managing an entire project to replace discord and phase out google for the next few months. oh also lmao i'm in the middle of getting married too. fingers crossed my new visa status will vastly improve my employability in this fucking xenophobic country. i definitely don't need more work to do but gang i'm gonna be real i've been broke and accruing debt for months now.

secondly i don't have a ton of reason to write consistently anymore. i have a lot of reasons why i don't instead. don't get me wrong, i still love writing, and i'm still overanalyzing every piece of storytelling i run into. what's changed is that i don't really need to rely on writing, emotionally nor creatively. writing was my best and primary coping skill for a long time and it saved my life more than once. at this point though i'm nowhere near as depressed, suicidal, triggered, or dissociated anymore, so i simply don't need saving. PTSD healing is lifelong though, i definitely get triggered a lot still. not only is my anxiety at a baseline much lower so it doesn't ruin my day anymore, and not only is my mood control better and more practiced, my housemates are SO invaluable. they're so safe, sensitive to my emotions, attentive to my needs, generous, responsible. they listen and help me even when i'm nonverbal. omg they're so helpful in everything, i love them so much. i love my wife. they make me blush and cry. i love my co-op too they can be clutch sometimes.

what point was i making? yeah i don't need writing or blogging to regulate my mood as much anymore. i spend less time dysregulated, i'm better at regulating, and my loved ones have become more effective for regulation for me. a habit i used to have regardless of my mood was to write to record my life. since i was so dissociated so often, i felt like i needed to remember minor events that happened to me, or else i'd completely lose my sense of self. i mean now it'd be impractical to try to record everything, fuck. really though i'm almost never dissociated, thus i almost never feel the need to track myself. although it was fucking hilarious looking back at the last few entries' dates, then deducing that near the start of every month is when i get my period. blew my fucking mind that i get periods now, and i do indeed have my diary to thank for figuring it out. being aware of that pattern helps me regulate my mood better too.

finally, i haven't felt like writing or webdevving for a while because i have new creative outlets now. my wife, bless her, has fuckin ripped me straight out of my creative trauma blocks. between creative events she hosts, her ideas, her collaboration, her materials, and her patience, i've overcome some of my most hardcore deep seated triggers. it's not all her, like i've been healing in general a ton for years, she's just really pushed me over the biggest remaining bump. we're making a handful of games for a game-a-week jam together. 6 games in 6 weeks with different themes. while i hand-draw the graphics she does the coding. i'll probably post them on this site when i get the chance.

rest assured i am not abandoning my site. i love it very much, i love it as much as i love myself and my past selves. i know i will have ups and downs in my interest over time, however the web will remain one of my strongest passions forever. the nekoweb migration is going to happen, it's just a matter of when i have the time for it. i could start working on it piecemeal now, i would really rather doing it all in one shot though. i'm waiting for when i have about a week of spare time, so maybe whenever i catch a cold or something lol. i haven't forgotten about the shrines either, i'm so eager to get around to them too. life update done! till next time. donations (or commissions) still extremely very much super appreciated `(*>﹏<*)′

01-29-2026