~6:30pm Aug 29, 2023
Mood: hollow
Listening to: nothing

yesterday, when i woke up, i saw one of my acquaintances was requesting help with a physics problem for school. i got out of bed right away all excited and started doing the math. i absolutely love helping people, especially teaching. i think it might be my favorite feeling ever. i also really enjoy doing math problems and i don't get the opportunity much anymore, plus i was eager to refresh my physics since it's been about 3 years.

today, though, i went to the dmv. my grandfather who drove got really lost and forced me to ask someone for directions when he pulled over. nightmare type shit. once we actually made it to the right place, it sucked. the covid restrictions were never lifted, so everybody had to stand in a line outside in the warm, humid drizzle. i only had to stand there for about 20 minutes, could've been worse but it was still enough to hurt my fucking useless toothpick legs, only to be turned away because this specific location doesn't do what i needed. doesn't make any fucking sense why 4 weeks ago i was told by THIS location that THIS SAME location would take care of me, then when i show up again they look at me like i'm fucking stupid and tell me to fuck off somewhere else. i feel disrespected and humiliated, and yet, i feel nothing. i want to be outraged or exasperated, but i just can't no matter how much i try. i have no emotions towards it. i'm just automatically accepting of it, but not in a satisfying way; "it is what it is". maybe that's depression. maybe it's a less common form of dissociation than i'm used to. probably both.

speaking of, i finished neuromancer for the book club tomorrow. i'm quickly realizing that only 1 other person read this book out of 9 people. it was an interesting ending, i still just feel disinterested in general. i feel empty, not quite the normal feeling of emptiness after finishing a captivating show/game/book. more like it did not affect me as i had hoped rather than the start of new boredom. was kind of a chore. probably won't write a review of it. it's entirely possible that i was too hasty in july to overload my plate and i burned myself out. i felt so great in the beginning of july when i started this book club, not accounting for the seemingly inevitable crash. through august i've been dealing with a lot of triggers, dreading the future, committing to a co-op gaming schedule, trying to manage free time and sleep in general, and gave myself an obligation to read a novella. honestly i don't know how to manage or avoid burnout. i know how easy and detrimental it is with autism, i just don't know what to do about it.

at least there's the full moon soon, and the temperature is significantly cooling just in time. i'll be sure to post a pic. for september i think i will have much less to do overall. some friends already suggested a friendly pokemon randomizer parallel playthrough, so the 1st half of september will have something easy to do while i'm riding out a time-sensitive trigger, while the 2nd half of september will thankfully have basically nothing.

~5:30am Aug 28, 2023
Mood: irritable
Listening to: Iglooghost ft. LOLA - Light Gutter ⧉

i've been so overstimulated all day. my f*mily accidentally bought and cooked (and burnt) maple bacon yesterday morning, and the entire house has an overwhelming sickly sweet smell. my head hurts and i'm so fucking nauseous. it permeates fucking everything with this stale sugary old piss scent. it woke me up 20 hours ago and i haven't been able to sleep since.

lately i've been questioning a lot of things about my time on the internet. i'm sort of locked in constant introspection and it really prevents me from being present. anyway, i'm worried if i'm just too negative online. like if all i'm doing is keeping myself stuck in dysregulation by writing my woes, or if my near constant trauma dumps are counterproductive to the gentle vibe i would like on the site. but then i fight with myself. i don't know if it's better to release my vents somehow, or if i'm merely indulging intrusive depressive thoughts. i don't know if this is supposed to be a sanctuary for everyone, or a sanctuary specifically for me. i suppose i should put myself first, but i think i'll have to reconsider the general aesthetic to better reflect that, at least in a way that makes sense to me. that'll be hard in and of itself, since that would require me to learn more about myself and use art to express it, which i know by now i'm just not ready for. baby steps. i have some pages to finish before i entertain a redesign.

i suppose earlier this line of reasoning came with an epiphany. in that small little window i have during fast intense emotional buildup but before automatically dissociating, it all finally clicked that i'm ultimately scared of myself. it made logical sense all this time that i was afraid of judgement because i was projecting past abusers onto everyday "normal" people, turning even mundane interactions into abandonment/shame triggers. today though it made, uh, emotional sense(?) that i'm just afraid of myself. i thought about how i would react if someone wrote the worst shit possible on my neocities profile, and it didn't really phase me. i realized i'm scared of my own judgement of my own things the most. my own potential for cruelty, directed inwards at all times. there's a lot of reasons why that makes sense to me, i'll probably talk about them some time in the future, but the tl;dr is that i used to be a very violent bully and my therapists back then taught me how to bottle things instead of lashing out. how shortsighted of them.

that certainly leaves me with the confusing, blank question: now what? i don't know how to be kinder to myself, i've been trying for so long. i keep attempting new expression stuff but the triggers never lessen, let alone cease. i do know how much love i have to give, but i don't know what it feels like to be really loved, so i don't know how to give it to myself. more accurately, i guess, i don't know how to receive it from myself. essentially i just don't know how to love myself. it makes me wonder if i should give up on trying altogether. no that's probably too black and white, it might be a better idea to focus on working on something not so emotionally charged, like reviews. i'll keep trying.

~6:30am Aug 25, 2023
Mood: beyond tired
Listening to: Injury Reserve - Knees ⧉

today's date is another painful one. more shit from my past that i can't run from. a day that changed my perception. 2 days ago i accidentally stayed awake for 24 hours then slept for 11 yesterday. despite that, i couldnt keep myself awake for 3 hours, so i slept for another 7. i woke up 2 hours ago it's 6am and i can't keep my eyes open. i don't really know why i'm writing instead of sleeping right now. i guess my mind still has energy and i must have something to communicate to myself. if this timeline confuses you, don't worry i'm confused too. time is so warped and dilated. i have no control over my sleep cycle and it's fucking up my sense of reality and any schedule i start to make. no idea how august is almost over. it both barely registered at all and lasted fucking forever. i feel so stagnant, moreso than this suffocating humidity constricting me. my f*mily decided they're too good for air conditioning this week so even the downstairs feels like clammy, lukewarm soup. this kind of weather at twilight in and of itself is a trigger, the tactile sensation alone gives me cold sweat and panic, and it's impossible to escape from.

i feel like i've been set up to fail on purpose. that my whole life someone or something or everyone or everything tried their best to fuck me up in a way i'll never recover from. either because they're fucking cruel or fucking stupid. as a child everyone was out to get me, so i grew to be paranoid. that's when people came to me with a gentle veil, got me to naively open up, only to take advantage of me again. how am i supposed to feel safe now? how am i supposed to believe people aren't out to get me? how do you do this to someone? it feels coordinated that i was born broken, that people expected me to be functional without helping me, that people saw fit to use me, and that nobody helped me socially so i would be unable to seek help or reconcile with myself. i feel beaten only to get kicked while i'm down. i feel like i'm drowning in an aquarium for everyone to watch.

i was ok with it when my therapist gave me 4 weeks notice that she had to cancel next session. i'm not ok with it anymore now that she surprise cancelled the next 2 consecutive sessions.

~4:00pm Aug 23, 2023
Mood: consulting The Mood Wheel doesn't help idk why i still try it
Listening to: desolent - darkness ⧉

i went to the hospital today. no emergencies, i just needed some tests done. i really like hospitals and medical tests, they're very calming. they always make me feel super safe with the nurses/techs and the overall atmosphere and layout. the appointment was really early in the morning so barely anybody was there and i had great sleep last night. it's been a long time since i've been in one and i missed it dearly. well, i say a long time, but only about 3 years, which relative to normal people is probably unheard of. as a kid i used to go to the hospital for one reason or another at least 8 times a year. i was always excited to go to the hospital because i knew they would try to help me and make it a priority to make me feel comfortable, especially in pediatrics. hospitals were my only sanctuary for a long time, there was no pressure or expectations, only comfort and care. i got an echocardiogram, maybe my 30th or something, i stopped counting a while ago. they hurt a bit because the ultrasound wand has to dig behind ribs, like between them and from the bottom and top of the ribcage, but otherwise i enjoy the sensation of pressure on my torso. the machine crashed like 90% of the way through which was awkward but it rebooted just fine and lost no progress, even though i wouldn't have minded if we had to restart. it was also pretty nice because i changed my gender in my medical records from male to nonbinary while i was there, and i didn't have to do it in front of my grandmother who came with.

speaking of f*mily, i'm pissed off at them again. i want to do fun things with my appearance, yknow, more tattoos, get some piercings, style and dye my hair, new fashion, get a skincare routine. i don't care what they think about it, so it's not about their approval or hounding me over it. no, i'm mad at them for teaching me nothing about self-care. all this cool frilly shit is feminine and they raised me to be a gross fucking Man™, so they never imparted any of their wisdom about anything like that to me, and they won't. they won't because they barely know anything themselves. they're all so self-destructive and oblivious that they refuse to take care of their own health too. they'll refuse showers, doctors visits, medications, vaccines, and even surgeries. of course they wouldn't know anything about good skin lotions. did i mention my entire f*mily is women? i have no father or uncles or siblings or male cousins. what gets me about the whole thing is that i've had long hair for 10 YEARS now and not a single time has my mother ever even asked me if i want to learn how to tie it up. i still don't fucking know. i still don't know how to fucking shave. i can't buy my own products and i don't want to ask them for anything. i find myself being neurotically jealous of women because their elders typically readily teach them things like this as kids, and any time i look up stuff online it's usually a woman explaining it and skipping the basics because 1)those skills are so ingrained by now and 2)the female target audience probably knows those basics already too. it took me 2 months of research just to be able to buy myself nail polish and apply it. with nails as an example, i had no fuckin clue what the difference between a lacquer and a gel was, or what nail brittleness/hardness meant with no reference. hair and skin are so much more complex. and don't even get me started on clothing. i wish so badly for a girl friend[sic] to give me a makeover tbh, but i have none irl and also no money. i guess i feel really gatekept/neglected and i'm envious of those who are accepted. i'll try not to worry about it until i have some money in the first place, whenever that is.

~2:30am Aug 21, 2023
Mood: slightly drunk
Listening to: Sybyr - Don't ⧉

being sober is overrated. addiction isn't cool though, don't do that.

last night it was chilly enough to go outside for a bit. as luck would have it, i did get to see a single meteor. i was so sad i missed the meteor shower from feeling so shit, so it's really fortunate i saw one well past the optimal window. being outside at night under the stars makes me feel so... safe, i think. or, as safe as i can feel while outside at least. i'm still agoraphobic, afraid of random people seeing me skulking at 3am, the usual huge night bugs, and i'm extremely paranoid of a rogue car coming out of nowhere behind me and smearing me all over the asphalt. still, there's a peacefulness out there, a tranquility that i can glean from feeling like the celestials are keeping me company. it feels wrong and deluded of me to admit i have an emotional connection to them, but some of my friends tell me that's ok and i could be worse. i don't know how to interpret that actually, as if they're saying someone can be disqualified from deserving help if they cross an arbitary mental line. i just want everyone to be ok and feel loved. feeling a connection to the night gives me an indirect connection to every other fellow night dweller. like we can all be alone, together.

the friends i've been playing baldur's gate 3 with are getting on my nerves. the sessions are getting shorter and shorter because they keep getting too frustrated with the game or they get too high and start falling asleep. i'm trying to keep a good balance of leading them and letting them do their own thing, and it's only getting harder. i can't tell if they're having fun anymore and i can't tell if i'm an unbearable controlling person. i can't tell if i'm having fun anymore. i've been having more fun in new solo games like pseudoregalia and bomb rush cyberfunk. they're both cool btw, i recommend pseudoregalia if you like smooth movement platformers and metroidvanias. idk what i'm going to do about bg3. just keep feeling it out i guess. i have zero motivation to finish the book in 9 days for book club. i feel like such an asshole since i'm the one who organized the whole thing. do i even know anything

~10:30pm Aug 17, 2023
Mood: better
Listening to: Casino vs Japan - Marilyn Set Me Free ⧉

it's difficult to distinguish between hunger and nausea. don't really know when i need to eat or if it'll hurt me instead. needless to say, my food intake and sleep has been off. i'm feeling emotionally better than i was last weekend, but obviously it had enough consequences to ruin my loose schedule i was just starting to make again.

i took the opportunity to do some overdue stuff on the site, like making a links page and handling it in a more responsible way. having a basically infinite project to work on seems like it's helping me cope. i've been drafting new ideas and learning new css for the last remaining indeces, so i'm both excited to have a finished framework and afraid that there won't be enough work when i need something productive to do. building and organizing is my strong suit i think, i'm still too triggered by my own creative expression to enjoy it yet, but i truly want to do more of it and get better practically and mentally.

i've also been kinda thinking about my f*mily dynamic again. i'm self-analyzing the way i react to them. when events happen in the house and they stress me tf out, i never feel like talking about it. you'd think for someone who is trapped in a house with them 24/7, i would have more specifics to complain about. no, i think there's a combination of things that happens in my head. for one, i think subconsiously i'm resigned to my fate, and i forget things as soon as they happen because they're mundane and expected at this point. having my boundaries crossed is too normal to the point where i would be surprised if it DIDN'T happen. secondly, there's most likely an element of dissociation in there, too. leaving my room to go downstairs and be around them puts me in a sort of latent adrenaline mode, and i can feel my emotions automatically shut down every single time. it wouldn't surprise me to learn if my ability to form and keep memories in that state is altered. both of these things together make my life a blur. not in a way where time feels sped up, the opposite way where time feels slowed down, that my entire life is dragging. events that happen feel like they're days apart when in reality i just perceived a few hours wrong. i can't believe it's still only august, it feels like it should be the start of october by now. i'm only really alive and present when i'm alone, which sucks, because loneliness is a slow poison.

~3:00pm Aug 14, 2023
Mood: releasing
Listening to: King Krule - Our Vacuum ⧉

i missed the perseids meteor shower. there were good astronomical conditions for it, the moon was almost new. it peaked the last 3 nights and i didn't go out to see them. i wanted to, but i've been really drained, and i couldn't bring myself to stand around and watch while it was hot and the summer bugs are approaching their peak. i guess there's always the geminids in winter, which are better on average. i don't think i'll ever forget the first meteor i saw, last november, singular, part of the orionids very long after the peak was over, right when it was expected to be completely over. i remember i wished upon it to "get better", whatever that meant at the time.

i cried nearly the entire day, over 5 hours at least. i'm still on and off struggling with the recent intense trigger of putting myself out there, er, on here. earlier my friend was lamenting over one of their friends going on a destructive manic-type episode and how they wished they could help because they care so much. in a semi-dissociated state, i gave advice straight from my core, something trauma-informed, succinct, and gentle that came from a place of... emotionally exhausted extensive experience. i didn't catch myself before i sent it like i think i normally would, i again wrote exactly what naturally came out of my head without inhibition. there was a long pause, then they addressed me by name (just "ua", but i interpret direct name addresses as extremely personal), and said i was exceptional. i have a long complicated history with this person, they've seen me grow from when i used to be a tormented abused uncontrollable little teen bully. i was overcome with the same feeling as the other day, ashamed that i earned praise and recognition for something like i fucked up somehow, yet also with a light flutter in my heart. i don't think i was necessarily retriggered by it today, i think instead i finally allowed myself a release from days of building. today i was reminded that i have so much love in my heart, i have so much love to give. i have so much to offer to the world in my own tiny ways. to a degree, i am loved. i hope i can learn to embrace my creative whims, even though i know i'm only just beginning to begin.

~6:30am Aug 13, 2023
Mood: afraid
Listening to: yungmaple @ sleepy.zone's Fools Fest 2023 ⧉

i can tell i'm pretty dysregulated so this entry might be a fucking mess today. yesterday i wrote an essay even though i JUST said i wasn't going to. i actually ended up writing about something completely unplanned because i got a sudden inspiration for something new. the one i was originally planning is still upcoming whenever. but holy shit, i wasn't anticipating the sheer dread that washed over me when i published it. i felt like i did something wrong, that i fucked up really bad. i was a nervous wreck for the whole rest of the day, and still am to a lesser degree. i feel as though it's really easy to judge someone based on their writing, and other ppl on neocities are so good at writing interesting essays, stories, and poems. i don't know fucking anything about writing. i've literally never written anything for fun or creation or expression before. this is the first time i ever tried. i've always been told that i write great, but those were always just for school assignments. ugh, i'm remembering the times i was praised over it, like my college writing professor telling me i'm the best writer in the university or the time i won a state-level poetry contest in 5th grade. i hate being praised so fucking much. i hate being recognized for accomplishments or talent. why am i like this? why can't i feel good about compliments? i already know why, they only lead to years and years of pain as a child. i give myself imposter syndrome. when i was in the middle of writing the essay, i was totally lost in thought, enjoying myself i think. there was a natural workflow to it that i rarely ever get with anything. if you want a secret, when i was making the first draft of the website's home page, i wrote the whole thing like a character was talking to the reader, without even realizing that i was doing it. when it was finished, i realized what i made and i panicked and deleted all of it for the current version. i felt so ashamed that i would even try to be creative because i've never made ANYTHING even CLOSE to that. it's all one big fucking trigger, it's all connected. i'm scared of being creative because i'm scared of being perceived because i'm scared of being judged because i'm scared of embarrassment because i'm scared of being unlikeable because i'm scared of abandonment. i'm so cruel to myself, destroying everything i loved making so nobody sees how stupid and inexpereinced i am, which obviously just stifles any potential improvement that would make the fear go away. that's why i haven't deleted the essay yet when i desperately wanted to. i've been arguing with myself like this all fucking day just so i don't take it down. half of me is having a meltdown that won't end and the other half is trying to tell them that everything will be ok. i've started spiraling, so i think it's time for a break.

~12:30pm Aug 11, 2023
Mood: decent
Listening to: Night Lovell - Dark Light ⧉

i started a new medication. it's low dose naltrexone and it's supposed to help a little bit with inflammation and chronic pain without giving sedative side effects. i mean, so far so good. there are a few things that i expected to hurt, like uncurling my body or standing up, and those sensations are barely there anymore. kind of surprising! i've noticed a slight uhhh detachment from my body? hard to tell if it's even the meds or the usual mild dissociation i get sometimes. i also researched its drug interaction with marijuana just in case it's like some of my previous medications that heavily suppress the effects, but it turns out it mildly amplifies the effects, which is good to know so i don't cross my own boundary in the future. pretty scarce research, though. from a pharmaceutical perspective, this medication is perfect for me so far, i'm just still not sure how i feel about the whole thing. i normally avoid painkillers because i enjoy pain. ok maybe not enjoy it exactly, but i like it in certain contexts. when i'm not on anything, i have full knowledge of when pain starts and stops, or when a joint pops into or out of place, so i know what does and doesn't cause it. i have a tendency to use pain as a stim too, such as biting my cheek/fingers, digging my nails into my arm, or pushing on my sore cuticles. (i only now just realized that could've been interpreted in a perverse way, i'm not a masochist.) although, if the med is actually causing a very minor head high, that kinda sucks since my mind-body connection is already tenuous at best. guess i'll give it more time.

in other news, i'm starting to get motivated to write an essay (no spoilers!). i have a good idea of what i would like to express in it, but the actual writing process is going to take a while and i struggle with starting. i threw together the essay index page in like 30 minutes to take the first step and give me one less thing to focus on. by the way, i'm surprising myself with how good i'm getting at coding! that would've taken me probably triple the time 4 weeks ago. maybe i'll restructure the site soon after everything i want is established x3. unfortunately, the timing is off right now. i'm deep into baldur's gate 3 with friends, i'm playing myst and riven at my friend's behest in the off-time, new games are coming out soon for when those are done, and the deadline for book club is fast approaching, and i'm more motivated to do those things. it's likely that i'm being too hard on myself again. i'm perceiving that other people are judging me for having an incomplete site, which turns into self-imposed pressure, which turns into self-hatred. i can't shake the feeling, i don't know how to yet, but i think recording it here will keep me honest and remind me that it's ok to take my time in my own space. self-kindness continues to elude me, despite my best efforts.

~7:00pm Aug 8, 2023
Mood: ok
Listening to: lil soda boi - gaurding the body ⧉

my stummy hurts again. usually it's cramps, sometimes it's nausea, today it's both. had a nice time in therapy earlier, though, i told her about my really bad past experiences with sharing music. when i was 15, the group therapy in the hospital fucked me up. i was so unbelievably vulnerable and i saw some shit. on music therapy day, everyone encouraged me to be as expressive as possible, so i gave them a song that meant a lot to me, and all they did was stare and tell me it's weird. even the therapist told me it was weird and immediately moved on to something else. the song was Lorn - Ghosst(s) if you were curious. vivid memories of that whole ordeal. truthfully it still freaks me out every time i post what i'm listening to. since she's a music therapist, i'd like to make it a point to at least get through the songs on my dedicated music page, at my own pace though. she validated me about it and she's really excited to hear them, which is cool.

something's been on my mind for a little while. about 2 weeks ago or so, i noticed my "ex" (complicated situationship) outright deleted her discord account. i don't make it a habit of checking, but the old dm in my list changed. in the 9 years i've "known" her, i've never known her to be the type who deletes accounts, even at her lowest moments. as of last year she spoke as if everything was getting worse and there was no hope for her, and she already had plans for government assisted suicide. i can only assume the worst and i still don't really know how to feel about it. there's this probably normal feeling of empowerment, like this is proof that i am better than how she treated me. or how i'm recovering better without her than she is. spiteful pride shit i suppose. but, well, obviously i still care about her and i wish the best for her despite all the pain. i'm pretty sure i meant it when i said i love her unconditionally. definitely not something that developed in a healthy way, mind you, but that's the truth. and since suicide is such a real possibility, i still wish that she didn't. i'll never actually know for sure either way. she was already dead to me, so nothing's changed. essentially it's as if i think i should feel good about emerging victorious from the abuse, yet it would be cruel if she was utterly suffering or dead. and so i remain in limbo, burdened with the simultaneous dread of not knowing and not wanting to know, ultimately stuck in a state of indifference because nothing has changed, will change, and i can't change anything about it regardless.

during the whole situationship i apologized and forgave constantly, way too much. i take it back now, i don't forgive her. nobody should ever have the effect on someone where it feels like they could resurface at any moment and your life would be in immediate peril. i can't blame her though. life has been cruel to her, so i understand her actions, even her theoretical suicide. i finally figured it out, why she felt like she was empathic but constantly failed empathy tests. she was empathic, sure, but she offered no compassion. she would come to understand someone's actions and then judge them even harsher for it. that's where i differ.

~11:00am Aug 6, 2023
Mood: exhausted
Listening to: LiL PEEP ft. Lil Tracy - i crash, u crash ⧉

these days have been simultaneously unbelievably long and a short blur. my bed feels gross, the sickening humid sticky coolness of the sheets makes my skin warm. i'm in a short spell of nightmares as well. so i've kinda been avoiding sleeping altogether, which has ruined any semblance of daily schedule. summer still sucks. in these sleep deprived states my appetite goes away completely, i'm super dehydrated, my electrolytes get messed up so i can't rehydrate, i get minor hallucinations, and my senses get even more heightened. the whole sheet texture thing is exacerbated by it. speaking of, i can smell something faint and very savory in my house and it is VERY irritating right now. by all metrics being in this state is really uncomfortable, but i also enjoy being awake. sleeping feels like a waste of life. although, i wonder, what exactly am i doing in life? all i do everyday for my whole life is stay in my bedroom and crawl out at night to forcefeed myself and walk aimlessly, and the latter is very recent at that. i don't really know what i'm protecting.

on a better note, baldur's gate 3 is dope actually. i'm doing a co-op campaign with 2 others. my character is an edgy purple tiefling warlock and she's absolutely destroying enemies. she outdamages and outlasts both the barbarian and fighter in the party combined. she just gets more powerful and it's making me power hungry lol. then they introduced the overpowered evil skill tree and my moral compass is fuckin gone. i'm on my corruption arc irl. shadow wizard money gang, swag messiah, smoking on that bhutanese shadow garden-grown dark evil pack watered with the blood of 36 dragons, etc. my friends aren't the greatest at these types of complicated games since they get high as fuck during it, but the mistakes they make are the fun kind, i can laugh them off instead of getting frustrated because it leads to sick chaos moments sometimes. definitely looking forward to spending 120 more hours on it.

~3:30pm Aug 3, 2023
Mood: breakdown
Listening to: GNB CHILI - Emotionally Unavailable VIP ⧉

i did my driving test and i passed easily. i just... as soon as i came in and finished speaking to people downstairs and went upstairs to my room, i immediately broke down. i had no idea it was coming, it just washed over me in an instant. i don't know why i'm so fucking distraught over succeeding. i guess my excessive dissociation protected me from my intense anxiety and it all wore off at once as soon as i felt safe. i don't know how i feel or what i should feel, or how i should treat myself kindly to figure it out for that matter. i'm so overwhelmed and overstimulated i can't even think straight. i'm supposed to believe i can function in society like this? other people tell me i'm not disabled enough so i get no accommodations? i'm so fucking sick of people making decisions for me when they have no idea what it's like to be me. and at the same time, i refuse or fucking forget to communicate about myself, so maybe i'm just as toxic. but it's not like i decide to dissociate, so i don't know.

for the last 3 weeks or so, the popping in my chest has only gotten worse and more frequent, and it hurts now. i can't even sleep on my side anymore. my rare tissue disorder presents a brand new even rarer untreatable chronic pain once again. for anyone that knows anatomy, or uses google, the joint that's cracking is the manubriosternal joint, the (normally) fixed joint in the middle of the sternum. pretty sure my manubriosternal is subluxing over and over (partial dislocation), just like my kneecaps and hips. i found some stretches online that kinda help put it back into place sometimes, but if it fails then it causes me so much deep aching torso pain. the back-and-forth is probably causing inflammation. these types of injuries are really really rare, even uncommon for ehlers-danlos. i was supposed to be getting an x-ray 4 weeks ago but AGAIN my insurance is fighting because thet decided i don't need x-rays, as if they know anything about me. as far as i know the only possible treatments for this are painkillers/anti-inflammatories or ribcage surgery, and it's a rare procedure so it might even be experimental.

i don't know what to do. i feel so hopeless. life is only getting harder for me. what did i do? what do i do? it's been an hour and i can't stop crying. i guess i'll just lay down and let it pass. i have a new game to play with friends later tonight, so that's something i can look forward to.

~8:30am Aug 2, 2023
Mood: content
Listening to: BLKSMIITH - GORE-TEX COVERS MY SOUL ⧉

it was actually a little cold out overnight, which was great since i was able to spend more time outside stargazing. i got to see taurus rising, which back in november was the first zodiac i saw while it was setting :3. was able to juuuust barely see the pleiades star cluster near jupiter too! i also put a bottle of water in the freezer for 48 minutes and it came out with a thin layer of ice on the inside walls of the bottle, so i squeezed and shook it so all the ice crushed up just enough and holy shit omg it was like the best sensory thing i've felt in probably years. i hardly ever chill my drinks because i hardly ever like cold liquid, this time idk though it was actually just perfect. really small shards of ice even got under my retainer and it was legit heaven. i guess speaking of sensory things, i've been feeling a longing for hugs i think. i have a good weighted blanket and i love the sensation of being compressed by it, but since it's been too hot to use it for a while, i can't help wishing for a really long bear hug that will never come. i keep fantasizing about having a weighted blanket that's far too heavy and it suffocates me in my sleep. i had a dream yesterday where i was underwater being crushed by enormous water pressure over every square inch of my whole body and it was really pleasant. i think there's an element of romanticizing it. only recently have i come to understand what loneliness actually means in the brand new absence of limerence, and i think this is a new manifestation of loneliness for me. it's a tiny bit of a bummer. i'm not sad over it really, and i truly don't want to die or anything, i just like to self-analyze.

i was also thinking a lot about how much my f*mily hates animals. for my whole life i was never allowed a pet even though i really wanted one simply because they hate animals and resent caring for any. my 9 year old cousin who lives here, however, just got a hamster last week. the news surprised me and they forced me to build the cage. the way they talked about the whole thing made me sick to my stomach. like they only ever referred to her as "it" and "the rodent" and kept whining about how they don't want to do anything beyond the bare minimum. if you noticed, i used past tense because she already died. hamsters dying suddenly certainly isn't rare, not even young ones that were freshly bought, but i can't say i'm exactly baffled either. maybe she was born a little too unhealthy and that's all it is. my gut feeling tells me that it was probably stress though. it was always just a bit too warm, artifical lights were almost always on, and my fucking f*mily is so fucking loud all the time. i already get tons of overstimulation stress even when i isolate myself in my own cage (bedroom), so if i was a little palm-sized hypersensitive fuzzball forced to interact all the time i think i would fucking die too. maybe i'm looking too much into it. and maybe it's unrealistic to expect them to feel attached to her since she only lasted 6 days, but idk they just seem so disrespectful towards her at a baseline, as if it's bullshit that they bothered with the time and money. rip roxy the hamster. it's pretty telling how they treat animals and it definitely reflects how they treat others, especially me as a child. neglectful narcissists with zero empathy.

tomorrow is kind of a big day, i get my official driving permit (i'm over 21 so there are almost no restrictions compared to a normal license) and baldur's gate 3 comes out. my friends and i really liked divinity original sin 2 when we played co-op earlier this year, and this game is made by the same people and apparently it's going to be like 6x as long or something. dos2 took 120 hours to complete so bg3 is gonna be ridiculous, but i'm super excited.

~6:00am Aug 1, 2023
Mood: languorous
Listening to: shamana - ʕo̷͖͈̞̩͎̻̫̫̜͉ᴥo̷͖͈̞̩͎̻̫̫̜͉̠̫͕̭̭̫̫̹̗ ʔ runner ⧉

i'm quite tired, and i have to be awake in 4 hours for therapy, but there's a tranquility in the quiet wind down before rest, hence languor. i was able to walk outside and see my star friends again along with the moon, whom i jokingly refer to as my girlfriend. my sleep schedule has been quickly deteriorating. it's kind of whatever at the moment, i've sort of given up the hope of ever having something stable for any significant length of time. still pretty sure i have narcoleptic tendencies and mild-moderate cataplexy.

i like to take the time to reflect for the month for every full moon. i think i'll make a subpage or something dedicated to my sky pictures, even though my camera is the worst. i look forward to these intensely emotional scheduled meditations, no matter what comes up it gives me a chance to process and learn. i've gone through an extraordinary amount of change in the last year because of my last relationship. since i started visiting the full moon in december, i've felt like a different person every single month. december i was still very heartbroken and confused, coming out of a 2-month long dissociation. january i started trying to apply the trauma education i was researching, and it was the peak of my cutting. february i regressed a bit because the full moon occurred on her birthday. march i ended up deluding myself with magical thinking and fantasies of getting back together, which i ended up actually attempting. april's moon gave me a lot of clarity in the aftermath of the confrontation and rejection, i think it was when i finally subconsciously woke up. may's moon occurred on the same day as i "ran away" from home to an online friend's place a hundred miles away, for a weekend lol. june was the first time in a long time, maybe ever, where i felt free from limerence, where it finally felt possible to love myself after all. and, finally july, well, i caught wind of neocities and the next fucking day on a whim i just decided to drop everything and learn code so i could get to where i am right now, plus i actually took the first step to adulthood by driving. all this leads me to august's first moon today. that's right! there's a second moon this august which makes it a blue moon!! and it's a supermoon!!! i'm looking forward to it, even if it'll be HOT AS HELL and FULL OF BUGS. i would be a bad boyfriend if i stood her up /j xP