~5:00pm Sep 29, 2023
Mood: ghostly
Listening to: senses. ft. ashes - step by step ⧉

proud of myself for not breaking tf down this time after publishing (is that what i'm doing? is it important enough to warrant that word?) my 2nd essay. i guess i was mentally prepared for whatever came with it this time. i still have these worries if the few who read my thoughts will think i'm either pretentious or get the impression i believe i'm not as smart as i think i am. i think i don't REALLY care, but i care enough where it crosses my mind. it's something my f*mily has said about me for my entire life, so i'm sensitive to it even though i'm making a conscious effort to move forward in spite of it.

generally though i've been feeling a bit... evanescent? there's some derealization going on that gives me a feeling like everything is dead, time has stopped, and nothing is real. i can only assume it's because it's been overcast and around room temperature for like an entire week. i'm not used to being un-overstimulated for a period this long. something uncanny, quiet, removed, and grey like silent hill 4 in real life. i've also been in near-constant pain this week too. it takes much less time standing/walking than normal for my legs to start aching, which has kind of put a damper on my showers and night walks, along with the sporadic night downpours. last night it was too cloudy and stormy to take a picture of the full moon, but that's ok because i took a picture of it the night before just in case.

anyway, contributing to this weird derealized ghost vibe i'm having, i haven't had the need for food or sleep in some time. my friends have taken notice and talked about how cool it would be if i became a ghost inside the internet. i mean, my first thought was like lain, but they definitely don't know anything about that show. they also don't know about my whole mismagius aesthetic either. i took it as a compliment about my soul, or something. i just thought it was a little funny how all this lined up, how my environment is ghostly, i feel ghostly, i identify with ghosts, and my friends coincidentally talked about me being a ghost. that said, this whole lack of sleep thing is getting pretty annoying. i can fall asleep just fine, i just have really vivid nightmares and wake up after 1-2 hours as rested as that can make you. i'm not tired, but i don't have energy either, so i've been staring at walls for a significant portion of the day. the nightmares have been following a theme, and i'm certain it's because my great aunt might be on her way out. i've only ever had 2 f*mily members who i felt safe around. my grandmother's brother, who died when i was 11, and my grandfather's sister, who moved cross-country when i was 15. i wouldn't consider myself very attached to her, i haven't spoken to her in 8 years, but i think my body is remembering something horrible in my subconsious. her health has been steadily declining for a long time, so this is no surprise. maybe someday i'll recount what i remember about them and how they made me feel if i ever feel like that's something i have to write down and confront.

neither here nor there i suppose.

~9:30pm Sep 26, 2023
Mood: tired
Listening to: peacock affect - wallflower (shamana remix) ⧉

it's officially been 365 days since i started therapy and 368 days since i had my first flashback. as much as i give myself shit for always feeling stagnant and never feeling good enough for anything, i can at least confidently say that i've come a long way. lots more to go though, i just need to take my time. i'm really tired. i'm essentially not sleeping, and i don't really know why. normally when i'm not sleeping for extended periods, it's because my mood is elevated and i'm not tired. now i'm just tired and my mood kinda sucks, so idk. hmm, thinking it over it might actually be a sensory thing. it's colder and the nights are longer, i think my body is automatically adjusting to "back to the school grind" mode even though i'm done with university now. i'm extremely sensitive to triggers related to times of year or times of day. come to think of it, the other week i had my first post-school school dream. i was warned that the fear of running late for class or missing a project deadline never truly goes away, and it turns out they were right. i also just met with my college friends only a couple days ago. maybe all of it together has put me on edge.

by the way, i got the itch to write some long shit today. i've been mulling it over for a while, and i got angry at something last night, and i had nothing to do today, and i had rare motivation, so i actually already typed out an entire new essay. it took a few hours and i ran out of mental steam in the last half, so i'm not going to post it until tomorrow after i've had a chance to proofread it. but i did it. truthfully i never thought i would have the drive to do something like that ever again, not after the last essay, but it just sorta happened randomly. i need to learn how to trust myself and trust the creative process. i've kinda realized i'm not the type to write things piecemeal, when i have an idea and the drive, i go all in. i afford myself a couple breaks in between, but leaving it alone for a day or two guarantees my passion dies. that's how it was in school, too. i would leave large essays for the last 3-4 days because that's when i knew i wrote the best. i would feel reinvigorated if i wasn't so exhausted rn. i thought about the last entry, the part where i connect backwards and never talk about my interests because i'm afraid of intimacy. i talked it over with my therapist earlier too. i think after today i have some amount of motivation to disclose more of it on the website. i don't know if that means it'll happen soon, but i do think i can trust myself that one day it will just happen.

oh also, check it out, i'm officially besties with miku now :3

~9:30pm Sep 24, 2023
Mood: lonely
Listening to: body meat - Ghost (Injury Reserve remix) ⧉

i spent the day yesterday at a friend's house. it was a little get together for my former college roommates. it went fine i guess. i have some complicated feelings about the whole group. everything about college was really off. i can't remember the majority of the time i spent in college at all. i was at least half-dissociated the entire 4 years. one giant chunk of my life spent in full survivor mode. i'm grateful that i was able to fall into a group of 5 and have a lot of fun doing nerd shit with them, but i can't shake this feeling that i was never able to be genuine around them, a feeling that persists past college. one of them has a lot of severe trauma and i spent a lot of time and effort guiding him until we graduated. i'm really proud of him for getting to where he is now, he's more societally functional than i am now. when i met him he could barely do anything except stare at walls and complete homework. it absolutely drained me trying to take care of myself and, well, be his parent at the same time. i have no resentment toward him, i love him, but it isn't possible to ignore the damage i did to myself in the process. at the time i simply didn't know what i was doing or how it affected me, and i both didn't have time to and didn't know how to process that at all yet. essentially i was NOT connected to myself the whole time and by extension the person i was in college existed in a vacuum, a completely different persona that bears little resemblence to anyone i was before or after college. the "easy" answer is that i should just be my genuine present self around them, and if they don't accept me, then i'm better off without them. what complicates it is that i can't fight it in the moment, i can only revert to that state when i'm around them. i've been told before that i'm like a social chameleon, first as a compliment, later learning that's a common theme in trauma survivorship and is quite detrimental. what now? do i cut them off and move on from it all? do i use this friend group as practice to becoming more genuine? we share the same sense of humor, but the group dynamic does seem to hinge on the shared burden of the one member who is challenged, with the others frequently talking down to him and my inability and recent less willingness to protect him from them. i haven't been able to tell if this friendship is worth maintaining, it's subtly toxic i think. if i cut them off, then i would be losing my last irl contacts. is it for the best? at a time where i'm so desperate for irl connection i would be cutting off the last of my irl connections.

i mean, maybe i just don't know what connection even is, what it looks like. it even manifests on my own website, but you've probably noticed i don't talk about my interests much, or at least i have much reluctance to. i think i have it totally backwards, where trauma dumping does not register to me as a personal topic, but small talk and divulging my passions is an obscene vulnerability. that's probably why i like music so much, because it bridges that gap. it's simultaneously traumatic/introspective and one of my interests, therefore it's the only passion i have any desire to share. it's also probably something that i've picked up over time from trauma itself. i'm so emotionally disconnected from my own past that it's the only thing i'm comfortable sharing, and i've only been burned by others for opening up about the things i love. indeed, most of my relationships i've ever had were built in this same backwards fashion. traumabonding right away and then rejection came after i started sharing what i liked. i think that latent fear lies dormant at the back of my mind even when i'm building this site, which contributes to my apprehension of the review page and the shrine page. part of me feels like i have to rush to complete everything or else people online will just think i'm pathetic and weird for ONLY being so personal in my diary. i guess this website project continues to be an important outlet of exploring myself. idk, maybe i'm just a little fried since i just woke up from a 5 hour nap after being awake 29 hours.

~7:30am Sep 22, 2023
Mood: worse
Listening to: Charli XCX - Lightning (Mathbonus remix) ⧉

i can't. i don't know what i can't, but i can't. my brain has refrigerator buzz. i'm too hyperaware of my body and everything is uncomfortable. i've been dehydrated for days but i can't bring myself to drink anything. i collapsed at 8pm and i decided to sleep as long as i could. i only made it to 3am before i had the worst nightmare i've had in a very long time. without going into detail, i was with my ex and she just constantly crossed all my boundaries and talked down to me as if it's all my fault and that she was disgusted by me. i couldn't say anything, i could only let it happen. there was obviously no way i was going back to sleep after that. i don't normally put too much stake in dreams, but my brain really decided to fuck me up for the day i guess. it's been hours and i still can't process anything, i don't even know if i feel dissociated, but considering i already absent-mindedly said something rude to a friend and it took me 30 minutes to realize, i must be. trying to use music to help only to find out some more horrible shit happened in this new group i discovered. why are people this way?

i'm so afraid of intimacy and abandonment it's crippling. my ribs are elastic bands tightening around my weak lungs. i find myself really valuing the people in my neocities sphere, but probably because it's super easy to keep them at a far distance. i've learned from this experience that's really comfortable for me, although the void is still there and admittedly i think i ultimately want a closer irl connection, i'm just definitely not ready for it. i was doing so well with my close friends for months, i don't know why i can feel myself withdrawing from them. i must feel unsafe with them now, i just don't know why. i used to think i had an anxious attachment style. i worry now it's worsened into fearful-avoidant. maybe i'm catastrophizing everything because of what happened earlier. maybe i'll be totally fucking fine by tonight. i can't tell, i can't help it.

~3:00pm Sep 21, 2023
Mood: shaking
Listening to: GEMINI AALIYAH ft. Toshiro Steel - GENGAR ⧉

i don't really know what happened with my friend. he was scheduled to ship out to the military on the 18th, and i ultimately ended up not going out with him before then. i gave it a lot of thought and i decided that there would've been too much tension to be comfortable. it feels like i'm hiding a big secret from him, but it's a secret ABOUT him. it's so off. i'm fighting all my intuitions, the guilt, the shame, the altruism at my own expense. i just didn't think i had it in me to confront that in front of him or in public. i expected to hear from him in the week leading up to it, but i haven't heard anything from him. i can only assume he was super preoccupied and dissociated to some degree until the 18th. then again, i could see him running away from everything too. agh, i'm worrying too much about it.

i'm getting anxious again, the same kind from august. i have too many projects in progress up in the air. the baldur's gate playthrough was supposed to be done a few weeks ago, but one of the players started school and also keeps making other plans. the couple times we have played in the last week or 2, they just get frustrated and ragequit after 45 minutes. it's pretty clear they've lost interest. i want to finish the story already, by now i've already heard so many fucking ending spoilers and we've been in the endgame for like a fucking month. the pokemon randomizer thing started a few days ago, later than i wanted. only 1 other person out of 6 including me haven't quit. as for hollow knight, my friends motivated me to start a run of my own. i'm really good at hollow knight and i've beaten it a lot of times, so to keep it interesting this time i'm doing it with zero melee upgrades and no focus healing (still allowed to heal from benches and allowed to focus during the scripted story parts). so, back to baldur's gate, i WOULD start a solo playthrough so i can actually experience the full game, but between all these and the reviews that i still want to finish, i actually cannot split my focus this much. especially since my sleep, appetite, stomach, and joints are being so difficult recently. i'm kind of pissed off. why is it that every time i organize something to do with friends they always just fuck off? i'm the most introverted person i know, why am i the only one making and keeping plans? are they bad friends? i don't think they are. is it normal for people to not commit like this? am i too demanding?

i can only take solace in the cold autumn night. last night i saw a shooting star through the wet clouds of my breath, temporally far away from any meteor shower season. a stray orionid. i would wish for something, but i never know what to wish for, even if i was superstitious, which i'm not. it's to the point where it feels like not even magic nor divinity could fix me. like it's too much of a fucking burden to ask a deity for help.

~11:30pm Sep 19, 2023
Mood: uncomfortable
Listening to: yungmaple - PUT THAT ON MY SHAWTY ⧉

sleep is so weird. how can i simultaneously be too tired to stay awake and too wired to stay asleep? my eyes are cold and dry. my eyelids are like windshield wipers on a nearly dry windshield.

i had a good time in therapy earlier today. i talked about how strange the relationship with my mother is. a few years ago she decided to dedicate a song to me, which at the time i was all like "oh cool music is awesome". the song she chose was simple man by lynyrd skynyrd though. is it wrong of me to say i'm neither simple nor a man? i still haven't come out as nonbinary to them, and i don't really plan to either. i avoided putting x gender on my license because i knew they would see it. when i did come out as ace, they told me it doesn't make sense and it doesn't exist and i've just never had a relationship before so i don't know what i'm talking about (they also still don't know i've been in relationships before). i believe the reasons she chose that song for me were because that's what she romanticizes in partners and i present myself as that shutdown in front of them at all times. that would be uncomfortable enough on its own, but my mother ever since then also makes it a point to text me every time she hears it. it's still awkward everytime, so i ignore it. those are the only times she bothers to text me, and i don't even answer. i can't help but feel like she's very desperate to be close to me and has no clue how to do it or who i am, and she doesn't know how to try either. when i was a child and there was every chance to get to know me, she refused to spend time with me every time i approached her, until she ran off again with a new abusive boyfriend. she probably regrets that, but the damage is done and my attachment is basically nonexistant. ideally, i wish she would just stop trying to reach out. well, i guess really ideally none of this would've happened and everything would be healthy.

at least my therapist helped me reframe something today. my f*mily is on my ass about driving regularly now that i have a license, i just hate driving and i have nowhere to go. what she suggested is that i look at it like a boundary. a boundary where i don't let people force me to do something i don't feel safe with. i know myself well enough to know my anxiety doesn't lessen, so practicing won't make me less scared, rather i need different concrete strategies and i can develop those in or out of a car. what's most important is my safety, so i should put up a self-boundary where i can start driving whenever i feel up to it. which is what i did with taking night walks and making this website, for instance. the former took 8 years of meditation and the latter took 2 weeks of meditation. if there's something that i really want to do, then it'll come to me someday.

i really just want to scream i think. scream until it hurts, until it burns. scream until my vocal chords tear and bleed and just keep going until nothing comes out anymore. i haven't screamed in... 15 years? i don't hate my voice or anything, i don't know i think i just want release and pain. i want it to be guaranteed impossible for any soul to hear me when i do it, which is impossible, so i won't.

~11:00am Sep 16, 2023
Mood: childlike
Listening to: lil soda boi - splinter cell ⧉

i'm so happy that nights are actually cold again! i took a couple walks, mindful of the crickets. their season lasts through november so i might not be walking as much i want to. the sky is so beautiful, particularly to the southeast, where so many stars and constellations are right now, like orion and gemini. i feel so at peace in the dark gap between the stars.

i've naturally fallen back into my schedule from last winter, sleeping at 2pm and waking at 10pm. i actually love to experience the world this way, since i'm awake at all the hours where my f*mily is nowhere to be seen, since school is back in session. i cherish the moments where i can go downstairs freely right after waking up. things are... going good. i'm in a routine where i'm very content, which gives me this underlying almost childlike feeling. not necessarily in a good connotation, more like i feel kind of ditsy while i wait for things to go bad again. lost almost. maybe i associate feeling lost with childhood. i think this might be another different manifestation of dissociation because my body isn't used to feeling ok.

maybe (probably) related: my panic disorder is flaring up again, A LOT. normally, i randomly experience about 10-20 panic attacks per day that last 30-90 seconds with no apparent cause at all. sometimes i get periods of a few months where i stop having them. when i get them it becomes impossible to think straight. out of all my reservations about driving, i was most worried about my panic disorder. 30-90 seconds of blanking out potentially multiple times is a huge problem on the road. coincidentally, i got my license during one of my no panic periods. i already hated driving to begin with, now that my panic attacks are back i REALLY don't know what to do about driving. it's bad enough that i have to suffer this affliction, plus these are some of the worst episodes i've ever had, but it also gets in the way of my independence, and by extension, my escape from this fucked up house. i've been analyzing why these happen and i still have no idea. my appetite is really low right now too, and i still don't know why.

~11:00pm Sep 12, 2023
Mood: :)
Listening to: Hikikosect - The Greenbelt is Heaven ⧉

the music livestream yesterday was pretty much everything i was hoping for it to be. bunch of weirdos playing and listening to weird music with weird visuals and being super supportive of each other. i've basically been immersed in all these new sounds for over 24 hours, it's magical. it's times like that where i feel safe and accepted, even in the midst of strangers. also shoutout to pinkmoondoll9shihtzu ⧉, i remember seeing her around neocities like last week and coincidentally she was there and her music was played :3 small internet fr.

for the past few days my friends have been playing hollow knight too. they stream their games at the same time and i watch them both, it's kinda awesome. i love my friends and i love hollow knight and i love helping my friends with hollow knight. almost exactly 1 year ago i completed every hollow knight achievement, all the pantheons and the speedruns and deathless runs. watching my loved ones enjoy hollow knight for the first time makes me want to do another run myself but with a self-imposed challenge. maybe no nail upgrades or a randomizer or something, we'll see.

i'm having a good week. i had a nice time in therapy today. i listened to a lot of cool new music. i learned some awesome hypotheses about nuclear explosions on mars. my friends and i are having fun. i'm so full of love i could just hug someone. i hope you're able to make the best out of your week too, whoever or wherever you are.

~9:00am Sep 11, 2023
Mood: hopeful
Listening to: lil soda boi - movie scene ⧉

things have been unexpectedly pretty good. usually all my "hypomanic" (still probably not the accurate term, but using it to convey the basic idea) episodes end with a sudden crash, which never came. instead i just gradually returned to myself over a couple days. similarly, my potential migraine subsided too. i can feel my motivation returning. i worked on the website a lot today, with a reinvigorated interest in writing the reviews i had planned a month ago. i'm looking forward to it because it'll give me an outlet for writing that hopefully won't be triggering. i anticipate the goal-oriented unemotional nature of it will keep me from feeling too vulnerable. i'm proud of myself for sticking with this project and trying new things. truly i'm learning to live with my conditions.

also today i learned that one of my favorite songs ever, one in the permanent list, has some heinous shit that happened in the group of artists. in the group called familypet, velvetears apparently physically assaulted 93FTOFSMOKE, permanently blinding him in one eye. on top of that, she sexually abused him and many other men for several years. she routinely laced drugs so she could assault them while they were unconscious. this all came to light because velvet tried to play the victim before 93 had the chance after the blinding incident, which only backfired on her because 93 had more proof that he was actually her victim. i didn't trigger me, but it certainly affected me to know that one of my favorite songs ever has an abuse story that hits so close to home for me and my story. i guess under normal circumstances i tend to be attracted to music with traumatic themes as a catharsis or something, this one is different though. i feel repelled by it, as if it's tainted now. i've always been really good at separating art from artist, but the tone of this song and familypet in general were abused kids who found sanctuary in each other. knowing that it was all a big ruse and she abused so many for so long sours the core idea. idk :/

last week i was remembering how much i liked live music and how i felt bad that i can't really participate in it ever. as luck would have it, the other day i caught wind of a show that's happening later today! coincidentally fortunate timing. the next diary entry will definitely have an update on how it went, and hopefully it introduces me to a new favorite artist or a song makes it into the obsession list.

~9:30pm Sep 8, 2023
Mood: dread
Listening to: chk/dsk - SICKLY DRAMA ⧉

day 3 of a pretty annoying headache. now i'm not stupid, i've been around enough people who suffer from migraines to know the symptoms. my head hurts only mildly-moderately, but ordinary headaches don't last throughout sleep for 3 days. on top of that i've been dealing with a different kind of fatigue than i'm used to, nausea, no appetite, shit sleep and nightmares, constant dehydration, and light/noise makes it worse. it's entirely possible that it's not a migraine, and i have the cause and effect all wrong, but it still worries me. this would be my first migraine if it actually is one. i can only assume someone's first migraine is probably mild and easily misconstrued as something else minor. if that's the case, then i'm not looking forward to dealing with more of them in increasing intensity in the future, since they are never one and done. i would be more skeptical of it being a migraine if i didn't already suffer from fainting, seizures, and cluster headaches. hopefully this doesn't come off as hypochondria.

that one bpd friend i mentioned a couple times before is going away to the military in less than 2 weeks. i wish i could do more for him. his traumas and stuff are too untreated for me to do anything about and i don't have the room for him. i struggle to even listen to him speak or be in the same room as him. nobody in his life is safe around him, not even him, except for me. he makes it a point to consider my safety, which he doesn't do for anyone else, but it's entirely possible that could change if i was around him more often. in the past i definitely used to be the person who tried absorbing everybody's problems fully and constantly. i learned the hard way that i can't and shouldn't do that anymore, but i'm still left with the guilt that i'm not doing enough. i love him and i recognize what his problems are and how he got here and why he hates his life so much, i just can't tell him. it's a truth that he has to find for himself at his own pace. i'm proud of him for realizing he needs change in his life, but i obviously doubt he's going to find what he's looking for in the marines. i think he'll survive the environment, he's very physically strong and has a strong will. i want the best for him. i can't and shouldn't try to give it to him. i still think i would like to go out and do something with him before he leaves for a new life. time will tell if that's a mistake.

~6:30am Sep 6, 2023
Mood: too hot
Listening to: laura les - u x me ⧉

when they said heat wave they weren't kidding. these consecutive 38C days are killing me in my little dumbass humid bedroom without air conditioning with my little dumbass heat sensitivity and anhidrosis.

at least i was able to see my therapist yesterday. scheduling got all weird but it worked out in the end. despite not a lot of events happening in the last 2 weeks, i went through a lot mentally. emotional flashbacks related to the time of year, temperature changes, shorter daylight hours, scents, etc. i told her that i've been thinking a lot about how i'm going to function in society and how i've been set up to fail. i can't rely on f*mily to teach me anything or help me integrate at all. i potentially have a few different friends around the us who would be willing to take me in for a time, and they would probably gladly help me, but that is such a permanent drastic change in my life that i'd rather save as a last resort if possible. i've already tried to apply for some outside help, like an autism organization and government disability, but they've decided i'm too """""high functioning""""" to need their coaching services or resources. as far as i see it, the only option left to explore is a private ptsd life coach. my therapist agreed with my whole line of reasoning and she offered to help me look for trauma and autism life coaches. i was kind of taken aback by how generous that was and how much she recognized i needed her help. i've been through the mental health system a VERY LONG time and, while i don't want to get my hopes up until she delivers on this promise, i really feel like my current therapist is perfect. i feel so lucky and i wish everybody could have an experience like this with their mental health journeys.

i was also thinking about the song for today, u x me. it's technically unreleased, only debuting on A2B2's Night of Fire live show in november 2020. i'm debating if i should add it to the permanent list on the music page. i've never been to a concert ever, the closest i ever got were the couple covid-era livestream shows, A2B2 Night of Fire and UVC VAMPALOOZA 2021 new years. they were so much fun i couldn't believe it tbh. i'm so grateful for the chance to experience it. the problem is that it's not covid era anymore, so there are fewer of them in the first place, and i don't use social media, so i actually never catch wind of any of them before they happen. the obvious alternative is to go to a concert/rave in real life, but the thought of going out to a venue or bar/club makes me physically ill. i hard refuse to have any substances in public, i don't know anybody, i don't have friends to go with, i've never been out anywhere like that before, i get very overstimulated by loud sounds and flashing lights (it's pleasant when i'm alone but definitely isn't in public), and i can't stand up for more than 60 minutes. as much as i would like to experience it, i can't see myself enjoying it at all, unless i have very close friends that will take me home no questions asked if i have to go. i already passed up a few cool things like the 100 gecs and machine girl tour and the upcoming blank banshee tour. idk it really sucks how much adult socialization heavily relies on bars, clubs, or cafes. i hate all of them.

~9:30pm Sep 1, 2023
Mood: stimulated (hypomanic??)
Listening to: mixed matches - ttm ⧉

hey all, update to the dmv thing: it's taken care of and i have a license now. i don't really think i care much. i really don't care to drive. my mother told me she's proud of me, although i never quite believe it when it comes from them. we know so little about each other that it always feels like they're proud of my achievements instead of me as a person. my real struggles are essentially invisible to them. the entire time in the dmv i couldn't stop shaking, but there were no hiccups and it only took like 20 minutes since i was so early. i make the distinction between shaking and shivering in my head. shivering kinda feels good and it's usually just from something sensory, like being cold or music. shivering movement is a pattern of torso muscle contractions that come in waves, like the abs and trapezius. shaking is a very different unpleasant sensation, more of a constant subtle numbness, warmth, and weakness deep in the limbs and phalanges. when i'm dissociating, the amount and type of shaking is sometimes the only clue i have on my current body state.

in other news, i haven't been able to sleep in days, even though i'm not tired. in the past 3 days or so i think i got 12 cumulative hours. i'm uncharacteristically in high spirits and full of energy, and some of my friends have noticed my acitivity and expressed concern. 2 different people have suggested i'm manic, but i don't think so. i used to think i might have bouts of hypomania, but i'm not so sure. my therapist suggests my body isn't used to good emotions, doesn't feel safe with them, so it also causes some dissociation. essentially probably just enhanced trauma-based mood swings rather than a bipolar-like mood disorder. maybe hypohypomania or something lol.

i'm really grateful the last 2 nights were cold just in time for me to go outside for the full moon. there's another heat wave starting tomorrow unfortunately. but! while i was outside last night it was awesome. i saw some deer friends again. i'm so happy they stopped running from me after a while, as if i earned a tiny bit of their trust. i also watched a fox chase a rabbit across the street right in front of me. it was so fucking cool, i hardly believed that it happened at all. i stood there for a few seconds under the moonlight and jupiter processing if it was real. also! orion is rising over the horizon when i go out now (same time every night). that's maybe the constellation that gives me the most comfort, since it was both the first one i ever learned about and the first familiar one to disappear under the horizon when i first started stargazing last year. so yeah i'm feeling pretty good but i'm naturally kind of wary whenever i am. just going to try to take it easy and be present while my mood is elevated.