~7:30am Jan 31, 2024
Mood: floaty -- like on water, not air
Listening to: lil baeleaf - bl33ding 0Ut My Ey3s ⧉

happy belated birthday to myself lol. i'm 24 now. what an empty sentence. only 24? not once in my life have i felt my age. i've been through a lot since i was very young. trauma has a way of making you grow up much faster mentally. that, and being quiet, introverted, and reserved as a kid is something you get rewarded by adults for, since you require no attention and aren't burdensome. besides, i never really hung out with my peers. when i was 9-12 i was edgy roleplaying with teenagers, when i was 13-16 i was mingling with young adults, and since i was 17 i've been chilling with the same handful of late-20s or mid-30s goons. i'm very used to being the youngest in the room, and giving them life advice now that i think about it. neocities is genuinely the first group i've been in with a significant number of people the same age or younger than me. truthfully, i can't even see a difference anyway. i talk the same to people who are much older or much younger and i receive responses that are indistinguishable. age has no bearing on my judgements of others, it feels completely fake. i realized a few years ago that you only become old when you decide to stop learning, and that's what i continue to live by. some young people prune right away, and some elderly people never lose their bloom. peaks aren't real either. you can only peak in life if you believe peaking is possible, you set yourself up for your own inevitable disappointment and self-fulfill it. maturity (correlated to wisdom), experience (not wisdom), youth, and age are all independent variables. i think it's appropriate to say i'm mature, inexperienced, young at heart, and 24. i only expect my experience and age to change in time.

anyway, i haven't really been up to anything. basically the reason why i haven't blogged much, on top of moderate dissociation. i'm still quarantining myself away from the covid carriers in my house. i haven't seen anyone in days, i didn't associate with my f*mily on my birthday. i haven't showered in 6 days and probably won't be able to for at least 6 more. i switched my therapy appointment to a phone call. i have this little nagging voice at the back of my head, it's my mother's, that's telling me i should feel guilty for being aloof. i know it hurts people who care about me when i'm distant, but i don't care enough to stop being distant. i don't feel guilty because i am unhappy with my behavior, i feel guilty because i've been programmed to believe i'm selfish and cruel. well, i've finally identified it, so i can't be gaslit anymore. maybe this guilt will never truly pass, i'll just have to trust myself and my own judgement.

as usual i'm still taking walks. it rained more the other night, which i got soaked all the way through my clothes again. i actually really love the feeling. i would play in the huge puddles if i had someone with me who was also into it. i've been spending more time outside than i normally feel safe with. i try to never cross into the 4am hour since a lot of people here leave for work at 4:40, but i've been toeing the line by returning to the house around 4:15. i'm noticing that i have a lot less fear than i used to when it comes to being perceived by cars or houses at night. i'm tacking on little detours to my longest routes. last night i decided to take a detour just to take a picture in front of a particular house. in the past i would've never even considered it, i would've never detoured for it, i would've never stopped to take a picture in front of a house, and i absolutely would've never been so conspicuous and unnatural going somewhere, standing still, and immediately turning back. even after i did it my heart was racing and palpitating. this house had 1 christmas decoration left up tastefully late, a light reindeer intentionally placed behind the bushes and vines between two large trees, like a thin curtain. the timing and placement of it led me to believe the owners saw as much beauty in their decoration as i did. i also got to see the 3rd quarter moon like 2 hours ago, through the clouds. i didn't walk but i did need a breath of cold air. the moonlight came through the frozen clouds like lava glows through cracks in basalt; a delightful parallel of air and water versus fire and earth, pale blueish white and dark reddish black.

decided too to revisit spore creatures on the ds. y'know, some comfy fond nostalgia for my bday.

~9:30am Jan 28, 2024
Mood: defeated
Listening to: 93FEETOFSMOKE ft. TrippyThaKid - plastic beach smoking BP ⧉

for the past few days straight it's been disgustingly humid, warm, and swampy outside. the other night there was a thick wet fog clinging to everything. when i went for a walk in it, it started pouring when i was about halfway through. i figured there was no point in turning back if i was about equidistant from the house, so i completed the walk and got soaked all the way through my clothes. the fog was gone by the time i returned. despite the weather being pretty fun, i really hate it when it's warm and humid. c'mon, it's january. it's cold this morning so my window is open and my hands are cold and shaky, so i'm going to fuck up typing somewhere. i'm also disheartened that i totally missed the wolf moon due to the constant cloud cover. i was really looking forward to it. it's the full moon closest to my birthday, it occurred in leo, and i painted my nails partially so i could see her reflection in them. it affects my mood when i can't see the moon for weeks at a time. of course the moon is usually hidden every 2 weeks naturally, so it bums me out when she's obscured for a 3rd or god forbid 4th week. this full moon is the first one i never got to take a picture of since i started taking them.

the following night, 2 nights ago, something obviously wasn't right. as i was getting ready to go out at 3:12am, i could hear faint wailing and crying through the walls. this isn't necessarily rare. my grandmother has been sickly for her entire life, maybe once every month or 2 she has a night where she's up 'til dawn throwing up or in some similar pain. she's refused to seek any medical treatment over it for the last 40something years. it doesn't really phase me anymore. i've been wondering for a year now if she's so loudly vocal about pain only for pity and attention, but i digress. somehow the wailing sounded different than what i'm used to. i did what i always do and figured there's nothing i can do and i don't want to listen to it either, so i left the house. about 6 minutes into the walk, i got a text from her asking if i could give her water. that really ruined the walk for me as i half-naturally half-purposefully dissociated to steel myself for the scene i might find when i get back. i might be cold and distant, but i'm not discompassionate or cruel. i brought water up to her while i was still fully dressed, she knows i step outside but i'm not sure if she ever found out that i take legit walks. i was surprised to find that she wasn't doubled over in the bathroom, just laid up in bed. i didn't have anything to say while she talked at me, so i didn't say anything and left when she said she was fine now. the whole thing struck me as odd, and i also couldn't really stop thinking how detached i am. well, i found out the following morning that she tested positive for covid hours later. so that's cool.

my whole f*mily got sick with covid in may 2022. they're antivaxxers. they also refused to quarantine themselves in their rooms, so they just got each other sick in a rotation. those 3 weeks were really fucked up for me. i narrowly managed to avoid getting covid by never leaving my room except at night. i only made my own food, i never ate on any surface, i never touched a door handle, i didn't shower once, and i disinfected the bathroom any time i needed to go in one. essentially it was the most intense most prolonged episode of ocd i've ever had. i'm really not looking forward to having to do even half of that again. which might be in vain anyway if i already have it and it's in incubation. plus, i've been out of some basic needs for nearly a week now. some pills, toothpaste, and floss. with my grandmom out of action, i can't get them. i already asked my grandfather and he was angry that i would ever even suggest buying new toothpaste when we have a handful of travel-sized 8+ year expired tubes already. and what am i going to do? get it myself? i'm still irrationally afraid of making my first purchase, and the only car available would be hers, which has covid in it. i can tell my grandfather is getting angrier and angrier that i'm not doing things for myself, but he's still keeping it to himself as he's not allowed to speak his mind under my grandmother's roof.

a full fledged ladybug infestation started in my bedroom too, if that wasn't enough. i see maybe 4 or 5 everyday. normally i get a bug break in the winter when the silverfish cease activity. not anymore, now i have ladybugs in winter. i mean it could be worse, except i still don't want any fucking bugs in my bed. i've known for 2 years where things are entering through the wall from, but i never bothered to plug it. i always just figured they would eat another new hole somewhere else, and i preferred to have a known entrance than an unknown one. idk i kinda fucking snapped and just took a ton of duct tape to it. i'm really fucking tired of seeing any at all, and i no longer care about the integrity of the walls or paint or anything. in fact i think i enjoy the spite. ideally i have less than a year left here anyway.

maybe it's not coming across very well in writing, i don't feel very in tune with my emotions right now, but i'm incredibly anxious. everything is just stacking on top of each other. all my routines just got fucked all at once by different things. all the minor safeties i carved out for myself are gone again. i'm back in limited resources mode again, i need to be resourceful and ration everything out. my dissociative episodes are the worst they've been in months. i would say it's nice that i haven't had dysphoria in a few days, but that's just because i'm not in my body, and i know better than to assume just because something is numb doesn't mean it's not hurting.

i've been focusing really hard on keeping busy. most of my time is spent playing baldur's gate with my friend or watching him play racing games on off-days. it works out well actually since he's in a manic episode right now. he doesn't need to sleep as much and his energy is easy to just go with, yknow? i don't have to talk about myself and the dead air is filled with some high action ingame or something. i read the entire bookbug book and wrote 1000 words on it in 3 days. once my friend comes down, i'll probably return to obsessively coding.

idk i would also like to express my gratitude to the neocities community in general i guess. i've felt extra scattered recently and i feel kinda stupid/worthless. then i'm able to remind myself that there are people without any obligations to me that willingly opt in to see what i create. my brain can sometimes play cruel tricks on me to make me think groups keep me around only to laugh at me or because they don't have the courage to admit they actually hate me. that trick doesn't work here though. this place remains as a safe constant.

~9:30am Jan 24, 2024
Mood: losing it
Listening to: yungfuckingaff - moment every second ⧉

uhm, i think i'm on the verge of a breakdown. i had those appointments. i was out until 7 exactly as i expected. i didn't read, instead i stared at the ground for 3 hours in the packed waiting room because i'm good at dissociating. i know the sensory overload really got to me, i can't remember any of the stimuli though. i met a new nurse and she was unremarkable. i didn't get any useful insight, these medical personnel who don't know me keep assuming things about my condition. i exist in a weird limbo where i don't present the usual most problematic symptoms, so they ask me if i'm doing my recommended daily routines. my doctor never told me them to begin with because he knew i didn't need them, so i look stupid in front of the nurses. i ask what they're talking about, and they explain it to me in an infantalizing tone as if i'm too disabled to remember or comprehend. i don't even bother trying to correct them. they're also on my ass to get an experimental test. i've had it once a couple years ago, and it was totally fine, but it's no longer covered by any insurances. i don't have $200 to spend every time i go there, so i keep declining the test. every one of the nurses, receptionists, and other doctors have this energy like i'm wasting their time. they're not planning on doing any progress on treatments without this one test. they slide in these "you really should for your health" when i know it really isn't that relevant to me anyway. like, holy shit i would if i wasn't fucking poor, ok? they didn't even answer any of the questions i brought about my new subluxing sternum or my new severe jaw soreness.

on the drive home through the evening miasma of highway lights, i tried and failed to return back to my body. i felt so hungry, tired, stupid, overstimulated, and dysphoric that i literally couldn't stop depersonalizing. i saw the reflections of the blaring red, green, and white lights in my nails and i experienced a devastating sense that my life isn't my own. i'm not living my own life in my own body. i've never done anything for me, i've never known what i wanted, and i've never known who i really am. i've never known where my masks end and where i begin. i switched minds with someone else's meat sock and i'm ruining his life while he's away. one day we'll poof back into our real bodies and he'll find his life now completely destroyed, gone, pathetic. naturally, the following thoughts were worrying about what's being done to my real body. how violated and impure i am without even knowing it. how i'm going to unfairly steal everything that he built when i switch back. that i don't deserve any happiness. it only got worse when i walked in the house. there was the typical sensory onslaught. at some point bob ross was accidentally put on the tv, to which my f*mily kept asking what the hell he's doing with painting techniques and shit. i answered because, well, i knew, and they were just astonished at really basic shit. it hit me hard how immense the rift is between them and me. it was too much all at once, so i just left without really eating anything. i passed out immediately for 2 hours. those 2 hours are the only sleep i've had in the last 39 hours.

funny enough, i've been playing minesweeper for most of the time. i can tell i'm only using it as something to occupy 100% of my attention without needing to keep track of things or think critically. a desperate attempt to distract myself from my thoughts. idk the loud static of anxiety is still there and it isn't going away.

this is one of the more fucked up diary entries. to end on a good note, my therapist seems excited for me and my identity. i think she sees it as a step in the right direction. veritably, it is me figuring out what i want and who i am. actual progress has been made no matter how catastrophized my mindset gets sometimes. it just feels more and more suffocating the longer i'm stuck trapped in my room and body. either way, my therapist offered to help me with some gender affirming stuff. she offered to get new nail polish colors for me, namely dark purple. she might help me learn how to handle my long hair too, like putting it into a ponytail, since i don't know shit about it. that's really cool and generous of her, i'm super grateful for it.

i'm going to try to sleep.

~6:00am Jan 23, 2024
Mood: tense
Listening to: 36 - Room 7 ⧉

i learned yesterday that i have a cardiologist appointment this afternoon. that really blows since i'm going to have to go right after therapy in the morning. i was not anticipating an entire day out. it's hard enough getting myself ready for that with notice, now i'm just going to have to go through it without being ready. the same thing happened last july or august, where i had therapy and cardiology back to back. i remember complaining then how the cardiology appointments are a far drive and the wait times there are 3-4 hours on average. obviously i'm wide awake now at 6am because i didn't get the chance to alter my sleep schedule because i didn't know i had this appointment. it's likely that i'm going to be out of the house from 11:20am until 7:00pm. i woke up at 7pm, so that'll be 24 hours awake. i would say it'd be nice to bring my book to read, but now i don't know if that'll put me to sleep. i'm going to be pretty fucked off too if i get the same nurse practitioner from last visit instead of my doctor. that nurse kept putting words in my mouth constantly, not actually listening to what i was saying.

just dreading that mostly. i'm trying to keep my spirits up by remembering i have therapy first, and i do really want to see my therapist. the last several appointments have been over the phone. this is going to be the first time i've seen her in person since i came out, and i don't really know why that relaxes me but it does. i guess it's a feeling like i don't have to hide anything. she's the only person irl who knows, everyone else is an online contact, so i'm always super guarded irl.

i'm really happy i painted my nails a few hours ago. it staves off dysphoria when i look down and i have long sleeves on. black is the only color i have. it's the most unassuming color, especially because i've been an emo for like literally 12 years, half my life (might still be a phase tho /s). nobody was surprised to see me start wearing black nails, which is exactly how i wanted it. i honestly don't think it'll be safe for me in my house to experiment with new expressions, neither new nail colors nor wardrobe to match. i still remember the one time years ago i defended trans people in front of my f*mily. they stopped in their tracks, their faces dropped, and they asked me dead serious if i "liked" them. so if that's their reaction to potential attraction to trans people, i really don't want to find out their reaction to me being trans.

it's also a plus that i get to see the reflection of the full moon in my nails in 3 nights. i love that a lot. if it's not fucking cloudy. ugh, i feel like i can't relax at all. i'm so restless and nothing i do is gratifying enough.

~9:30pm Jan 20, 2024
Mood: cozy
Listening to: heffy - Borderline Personality (9ALiTY remix) ⧉

on a whim i decided last night to build a pillow fort. ok maybe not exactly a whim because i've wanted to for the better part of a year or so. still, i constructed a little den out of all the fluffiest furriest blankets and shit i could get my hands on. it was really comfy and warm, even if the floor was a bit too hard. i spent pretty much the whole day in it watching old critical role campaigns on my ancient ipad and dozing off. pretty fucking dope i gotta say. had a chill night with friends last night too. hung out until 7am watching someone's first playthrough of persona 5 while someone else played old ps1 racing games. i know a lot about p5 but i've never played it either. i have so much gender envy for takemi it's unreal lol. dysphoria continues to grow and get more pervasive btw, if you needed an update on that. i think it's literally just supposed to get worse, so that's annoying. it's starting to cause some days where i'm just hardcore dissociated over it with a lot of ambient anxiety, like 1-2 days ago.

regardless, the other project i'm getting ready to work on is a theme changer for the site. it might be the most frustration i've ever had while coding this website. of course it's gonna need javascript, so learning that is already annoying, but what's really getting to me is trying to reorganize my fucking :root variables into a new system that makes sense for color schemes i haven't even come up with yet. like, all the color variables i have right now are [color name][color value], which is totally fine right now. when i want something to be light purple, i call var(--lightpurple), right? if i'm gonna be changing color schemes, it'll be stupid if i change the light purple value to green while the name remains lightpurple. so i'm trying to reorganize the entire backend where the variable names are based on their job, not the color name. it's just really hard keeping track of every little instance of which color i used once without thinking, and trying to account for it with a new naming convention. i'm at a point where i'm thinking i should just go with "main" and "accent1" and "accent2" instead, which is way simpler, but idk if future ua is going to want a color scheme with 3 accents, or if elements of the same color that look good now will look weird in a different scheme. every time i think about it i just roll my eyes and tell myself i'll think about it later.

i'm not in a very productive mood. i'd rather spend a lot of my time at the moment scouring new music playlists or playing disco elysium and baldur's gate 3 co-op chaotic evil mode. i gotta start reading the bookbug book tomorrow. i gotta paint my nails monday.

~6:30pm Jan 18, 2024
Mood: pensive
Listening to: bleach.bath ft. Levi Ryan - mud ⧉

temperatures are nearing -10C and more snow is on the way. i can't even describe how cleansing it feels. a baptism by frost. the purity all around me is so divine.

the past day or so i feel contemplative. i do usually, but moreso today for some reason. my brain is just working fast, my thoughts are clear, and they're all directed inwards.

first, i've been thinking a lot about a game called toribash. it's a really old game, around since 2006, but it's still an active community with forum and market to this day. multiplayer only turn-based martial arts with 3D ragdolls. i don't expect many people to know of it. however, when i was 14, it really fucked up my social development. i used to be good at the game, like, really good. i routinely won tournaments and sported a general winrate well above average even among veterans. which was made more impressive since i was 14-15 years old, relatively brand new, and my main gamemode was considered the most luck-based. unfortunately, even though i was always mature for my age, i spent way too much time around really problematic adults. i met a lot of people here that were intensely toxic, including my ex, who was an adult and severely abused me. as a little 4chan edgelord kid, i wasn't innocent either, but still the whole dynamic really fucked with me. i stopped playing altogether in early 2016, very shortly after my ex dumped me. ever since, i think about getting back into the game every so often, and i've dipped my toes back in here and there once every few years. it's like riding a bike, i haven't lost any of the knowledge or muscle memory. but my past looms over me like a dark shadow. i'm always worried someone from my past will find me again, and honestly probably nothing will happen, the trigger is still very real though. i bring it up now because toribash is getting a sequel on the 24th, and truthfully i would love to try it out. i figure that everyone who's ever had an interest in the game will return, if only for a week, which means bumping into people i hurt 8-10 years ago or got hurt by. provided my ex is still alive, she would definitely be there. as far as i know, she's never fully stopped playing the game before in her whole life. i think i have the mental strength to try to have a good time and ignore anyone who shows up, but i also recognize that it's totally ok if i can't handle it and need to leave. i just don't want to live in fear anymore. i don't want to let other people ruin nice things for me.

second, my birthday is coming up in 11 days. the sky revealed itself to me recently after an extended weeks-long period of overcast. i seem to be in a spiritual mood, and i'm feeling more connected to astrology. i'm 23 turning 24, so i just went through my 12th annual profection and i'm starting my 1st annual profection. honestly? i hate it when astrology makes sense. it's a mighty huge coincidence that i spent the entire year being introspective, tapping into my sensitivities, figuring out what i want from life, taking my time mentally, breaking my abuse cycles, and finding out i'm trans during the 12th profection. y'know, the one year that's literally all about endings, introspection, and breaking cycles. my 12th house is also ruled by cancer, which is all about sensitivity, gentle self-nurturing, intuition, and familial bonds. now, i'm entering my 1st profection year, which is all about identity, expression, and transformation. my 1st house is ruled by leo, which should be doubling up on a strong sense of identity, outward self-expression, individuality, and ambition. it's really interesting to me how this all managed to line up perfectly with my newest objective of moving out asap, becoming an adult, and gender transitioning. i'm always skeptical of astrology, but it always finds a way to pull me back in. i wonder if astrology just has more influence on some people than others. not to say i'm a special little star child or anything, just wondering if i'm more susceptible/sensitive to... whatever it is -- than average.

~8:30pm Jan 17, 2024
Mood: derealized
Listening to: ami4evr ft. lil soda boi - sephiroth ⧉

yesterday i didn't really feel like sleeping. something about snow on the ground makes me comfortable and lazy. i had to wake up early anyway for therapy, so i think i only had 3 hours of sleep before that. it was by phone because my grandfather kept whining about driving through snow 5 different times the day before, and he told me to expect not to go in person. so i had the session, which i was super on edge for, considering everyone else in the house also had a snow day and they could definitely hear me talking on the phone through my door if they tried. my therapist said i'm handling my friend group friction well. she also said she hopes i'm able to clean my room effectively and do gender affirming stuff. i think she doesn't quite realize how limited i am in the house though. it always feels like i'm making excuses when i explain the things i can't do. like, i can't really clean my room that well because that would mean going downstairs in the kitchen to throw things in the trash. which, yknow, sounds totally innocuous, but that's already enough to invite all kinds of conversations/criticisms i don't want and it's overwhelming. similarly, i would like to do gender affirming stuff, like shaving, and i could definitely teach myself without help, but i don't even feel comfortable buying anything online because they check my packages. even when something is completely expected and socially acceptable, like getting a simple razor, it's going to prompt them to ask me about it. i don't think i can accurately state how unsafe i feel when i'm perceived by them in any capacity. i kinda hate bringing it up. people who care about me want to help me figure things out and suggest alternative ways of making progress. then i have to shoot down all their suggestions, it's really awkward. i'm just too scared of all the consequences as long as i'm still here.

oh and i forgot to mention after all that my grandfather was upset that i didn't come downstairs to go to therapy in person. apparently he was all ready to drive me there. even though he spent literally the entire previous night whining and making it sound like my therapist wasn't going to be there anyway. yeah, my fault. of course.

whatever. so yesterday i got barely any sleep and spent the whole day in languour. today i slept over 12 hours and woke up derealized as fuck. the world feels so fake. i immediately got out of bed and went outside, for some reason. everything is covered in snow, and that snow has a thick layer of ice on top of it. when a breeze blows, the trees make glass clinking and cracking sounds. i guess subconsciously i needed to feel the frigid cold in my bones to ground me a little bit. the half moon was next to jupiter. i don't know why, but the celestials look farther than normal. i don't mean the moon, the moon literally is approaching her apogee. i mean everything else, they're all farther from me, further out of my reach. probably the reflection of snow making light pollution worse. it's hard to shake the underlying feeling of abandonment i'm getting from these fucking inanimate objects.

i feel so fucking filthy and gross. i'm glad i washed all my clothes and all my sheets and blankets. and took a shower during the process. huge relief, along with clearing the stuff on/around my bed. unfortunately, actually clearing out useless trash and clothes is something i can't really get away with in the house. i was kinda desperate to feel clean, so i clipped my nails a little too much, and i tried to cut literally all my hair with some scissors and nailclippers. it only helped a little. i think i'm going to paint my nails in a couple days. i would like to have my nails painted for my birthday in 2 weeks anyway.

~8:30pm Jan 15, 2024
Mood: confined
Listening to: aura24k - I'M NOT A SIREN, I KNOW EVIL [EXTERNAL DEPRESSION] ⧉

today is very, very strange. i'm writing this during a rare afternoon vc where a friend is streaming old gta games for the 4 of us. obviously, since i'm writing this instead of engaging, my mind is a million miles away. i'm also in the process of doing all my laundry, including my bedsheets.

yesterday or the day before something snapped. i suddenly felt like my room is too small and too filthy to exist in. i dropped everything and went outside. leaving my room, walking around my house, and walking around outside, the feeling never left. i feel physically larger. i was already feeling a certain type of way, that i can't grow anymore as long as i live here. figuratively and literally i feel like the ceiling is too low.

i started my laundry when i woke up. unbeknownst to me, my mom showed up 30 minutes into my chores. i literally haven't seen her in over a month, i've been avoiding her all this time ever since i yelled at her and called her an immature child. today, particularly, i feel so over it all. i'm not scared to be cold to my mom, i'm not scared of upsetting her. besides, i have other important shit to do separate from everyone else. i'm already using my new tiny bits of independence against them. i feel powerful and guilty over it.

i'm glad that it's snowing today finally. my grandfather is a little bitch though and he will probably refuse to drive me to therapy tomorrow morning, even if there's only a quarter inch on the ground.

can't really organize my thoughts much. i'm one year clean from cutting today.

~4:30pm Jan 12, 2024
Mood: frail
Listening to: zodivk - venom (+) ⧉

i have no idea what the problem is, but i feel fucking awful. i've been fucked up and weird ever since i woke up. my mind is super foggy, my whole body is weak, i cannot get warm, colors somehow don't look right, my heart seems more prone to palpitations, and my jaw is so incredibly sore. my only guess is that i had a seizure in my sleep. i've only had 1 seizure in my sleep back in 2020, so that's my only frame of reference. back then i wasn't sore at all nor was the bed wet, which from what i know is basically an anomaly. i didn't damage my tongue by biting it either time because i sleep with an invisalign retainer over my teeth anyway. so really im only like 40% sure i had a seizure and i have no other possible explanation. whatever the case, i feel like absolute shit. i think i need to take it really easy today.

i'm having some drama in my friend group, the one i spend most time in. one of the guys can be hard to be around sometimes because he's a libertarian and gets triggered kinda easily. when he's triggered, he starts projecting narcissism onto other people, and meets it with his own narcissistic tactics. i don't think he's actually a narcissist, i think it's learned survival from his childhood when his actual narcissist mother constantly gave him shit. regardless, it can make him challenging to be around sometimes. another friend is really sensitive and is only now just finding out about his autism and neglect trauma. long story short, there's been a lot of friction between them lately because they're both irritable and on edge. really i think it's a mutual miscommunication, one isn't that self-aware and the other is really poor at setting boundaries. well they got into an argument and the sensitive one is contemplating leaving forever, that the relationship is doomed and he's being abused/bullied.

i decided to not involve myself. i think it would be better for themselves individually and their relationship if they sorted it out alone, good or bad. i recognize i'm going through a lot of shit myself, and i don't have the faculties to take on other people's conflicts as a mediator, even though i want to. however, last night the sensitive friend reached out to me for advice on how to proceed. i'm grateful for his trust, and i felt ok giving advice instead of mediating, which i made clear at the beginning, that they have to sort it out by themselves. despite him being 7 years my senior, he has literally only just taken the first baby steps in understanding his neurodivergence and traumas. i was able to give him a lot of insight into what it means to be sincerely yourself, advocate your needs, establish boundaries, treat everyone including yourself with kindness, and that his traumatized thought patterns aren't his fault. i also let him know there is absolutely no rush, he should take all the time he needs to process his feelings and understand what he wants from friendships in the future before he tries to make a boundary. i told him we enjoy his company, we genuinely care about him, and we would love nothing more than to see him succeed. it made him cry, it was really sweet. i'm glad we had that talk. i'm glad to be capable of counselling people i care about and help them discover themselves. i'm not bitter that i had to figure all this out on my own, i'm happy that i'm able to be a resource for others in a way that i wished i had.

to anyone reading this, i love you. you deserve so much happiness.

~7:30pm Jan 11, 2024
Mood: productive
Listening to: anvii - what life couldve been ⧉

making the whole site mobile friendly has been going well, it's pretty fun! i actually hate responsive height though, and i knew it would be a problem i need to deal with as soon as i worked on a page with an iframe, yknow, the diary. percentages don't work, vh fails if you have anything above the element or any padding, and auto or fit-content literally just doesn't work with iframes. i cobbled some shit together and it works for the resolutions i care about, 800x600 (smallest desktop) and 360x640 (smallest phone). i realized at some point that calling the #ids of the day entries only works the first time you open a month page on mobile, but i'm kinda like whatever. at least it opens the month in the first place. so i guess the point of writing this entry is mostly to say that i'm accepting the imperfection. i have to draw the line at what i can and can't control, and this is it. still working my hardest though! the inconvenience and difficuty for me is fractional and temporary compared to disabled people who have to deal with stuff all the time without accommodations.

i think most amateur small web webmasters don't know mobile is an accessbility issue. i think it's easy for people who idolize oldweb for nostalgia to also hate every aspect of the bland, minimal, streamlined modern web. by extension, however, they also hate it when websites are designed mobile-first. mobile-first designs simply need there to be as few objects/distractions on screen as possible because they literally just won't fit on such a small screen. therefore, there tends to be a sense of superiority about using a pc, since desktops aren't "part of the problem". not to mention the stereotype of exclusively phone users being social media poisoned tiktokbrained zoomers. what web revival pc supremacists don't realize is that by dunking on all mobile users, they're also alienating over 80% of disabled people. touch screens, speech to text, and moving the screen closer to your eyes is just way easier compared to pcs. and yeah, it's also difficult to learn and make accessible sites, so i get why small webmasters would find the idea daunting. a lot of us are probably way more concerned with only understanding the basics in order to post a bunch of cool images or unhinged ramblings. i'm not judging. that's exactly why i got into it. it's your right to do whatever you want on your site, take your time creating whatever you want. i just also think disabled mobile users have the right to browse whatever website they want. i have the power to make the internet a tiny bit more accessible, so i will do the responsible thing, that's all.

hopefully that didn't come off preachy. either way, i'm still doing my thing. locked in my room avoiding everyone, experiencing malnutrition. actually, my grandfather noticed it's been a month and isn't going to let up, so he just gave me a cardboard box of water bottles. pretty epic! i don't really need more than 5 stocked in my room, but now i have 20something. i think i'm successfully keeping burnout at bay. being productive helps way more than i thought. i'm making a conscious effort to not structure my free time, no scheduling blocks of what my leisure activities should be. i just do something until i get tired of it. it's helped my sleep quality immensely.

still perpetually cloudy at night, bummer. i make an effort to go out for 10 minutes or so. last night was my favorite weather to be outside in. 4-5C with a moderate wind. i do like feeling extremely cold for fun, but i could be outside comfortably in last night's weather for hours and hours. everything smells different at that temperature too, in a good way.

OMG by the way i tried oat milk for the first time. holy shit how freeing. it tastes better and has a better texture than everything else, including normal milk, and it doesn't fucking kill me in 2-4 hours. i can't even put into words what a massive relief it was drinking it, waiting 4 hours, and feeling nothing at all. pronouns, check. alternative milk, check. all i need now is blue hair.

~5:30am Jan 8, 2024
Mood: eepy
Listening to: Oliver Francis - Bicycle Song ⧉

i can feel my energy hitting rock bottom and my motivation sap in real time. it's like a slow onset of hibernation that i'm desperately trying to stave off. it's so hard to stay awake for even 8 hours at a time. not even night time energizes me right now. normally i only have energy at night. physically it even feels like sleep deprivation, my blood pressure and body temperature are so low, despite getting like 13 hours of sleep everyday for the last few days.

i'm just sorta letting time pass through me. days slip by like nothing, but weeks feel enormous. and i can't even comprehend what a month is. when i was consolidating all my diary entries into months, i read some of them back and everything feels like a vague shadow of myself. i hardly remember any of it and it looks like the work of someone who isn't me. july and december entries were different from each other but even december felt like it never happened, as recently as 2 weeks ago. fatigue, extreme time dilation, warped depth perception, and a sprinkle of depersonalization. i'm so fucking dissociated. this is an uncommon type of dissociation for me, i think i have a pretty good grasp on my emotions and my thoughts are coherent, it's just everything around/about me feels fake, or perhaps at least insignificant. i can't really wipe off the oily residue of apathy that comes with it though.

i was told early on that dysphoria only gets worse over time. i'm only 2 or 3 months in since the first time i felt it and yeah they weren't lying. i suspect that's the main culprit of dissociation at the moment. now that i've felt it for real, i actually can't believe there are so many people who live with dysphoria for fuckin decades. no wonder people are so miserable if they have a feeling that's 60x worse than my moderate discomfort.

at least i had a pretty decent day with friends today. nothing fancy, d&d got cancelled by someone flaking last minute again (the same person who forced us to do it on sunday instead of saturday to begin with). we ended up playing other stuff we wouldn't. binding of isaac four souls, pokemon showdown free for alls, and plateup. the newest addition to our group didn't know anything at all about any of these games, but i think i did a pretty good job explaining them all to her. she did quite well for having to absorb so much information for so many complicated games honestly. i've been really apprehensive about this new person for a few months because, well, she's new, and i really didn't know if she was going to be reliable for d&d scheduling since she lives in a different timezone. i was also secretly hoping she wasn't being added to the group as a "hey meet all my friends please date me" kind of deal. nah it turns out she's like the most reliable person in the whole group. she still seems guarded and reserved around us, and apologizes a lot, so i hope she isn't people pleasing. i can empathize with that pretty easily but i'm not going to assume anything, nor will i be surprised if she suddenly decides to leave months down the line. shit idk maybe i'm just projecting.

the sky is still always cloudy. some rain, never snow. jealous of all the people i talk to within 1-2 hours of me who got snowed in. please let it be cloudy during the day, don't stay cloudy at night. derealization makes all the familiar walking routes so boring and forgettable. combine that with the lack of visible stars and i don't even want to go outside anymore.

~9:00pm Jan 6, 2024
Mood: aching
Listening to: barren - off and on ⧉

january is such a rainy month. fuck climate change for making snow impossible here. we used to get plenty of snow every winter. i have a vivid childhood memory of playing in 3 feet on christmas morning. at this point, we've had 0.5 inches in the last 3 years combined. could be worse, i guess, it could be sunny. i'll take freezing rain and sleet too.

soundcloud must've fixed their recommendation algorithm recently. shit was broken for years. i am absolutely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of new good music i'm getting exposed to now. like, it's awesome to have so much new music, but i'm actually getting stressed trying to absorb all of it while i feel like i have other things that need to get done. i'm also trying to keep track of it all in my head so i can choose one song to put in the obsession of the week spot. kinda hard to gauge weekly obsessions when a brand new thing replaces the last thing every couple hours. feels like i haven't even scratched the surface, since i haven't actually done any dives into new artists' discographies yet, just individual songs.

i've been brainstorming new diary structures too. i'm definitely going to go with monthly pages. been fucking around with the code. i could have the doc inside the iframe have a fixed banner with jump options, with the entry sidebar just opening the month docs. i kinda like the details/summary in the sidebar though, so i could have those target jumps on the monthly doc. OR both the in-frame banner jumps AND out-frame sidebar jumps. or neither and forget the iframe altogether, just have links to monthly pages. not as exciting imo but i could decorate the months individually with a page theme. would be cute, probably would clash with the rest of the site though, especially when i make a site-wide theme changer. would be great to ask, yknow, my actual readers, but neocities comments and replies died at the perfect time lol rip. despite my insecurities and traumas and shit, surprisingly i am not an indecisive person. so being in this position where i can't decide is really annoying, and i don't feel like thinking about it for too long either.

eh, whatever. i feel uncharacteristically impatient this week. like i need to rush to finish everything. i really don't have to. maybe i'm feeling a subconscious trigger because of my continued hiding from f*mily. or the fact that i have multiple things to finish in the first place. probably both compounding, knowing me. now that i think about it, those copes i've been trying to do to avoid burnout have begun to feel like new tasks that ALSO need completing. that can't be good. damn i need to chill tf out.

~12:00pm Jan 3, 2024
Mood: irritable
Listening to: Levi Ryan - fentanyl ⧉

a bit sleep deprived and a bit hungry. body just sorta feels like tv static and thinking too much hurts.

felt like it was important to say that i came out to my therapist and then my main friend group yesterday. my therapist's reaction was interesting, she gave me a knowing smile as if she wasn't surprised. she seems to understand how i got to this point, she's seen me process a lot and watched me figure out what i want in my life and who i want to be. she agreed with me that it's probably best to tackle both transitions at the same time. basically she observed that i don't have anything to unlearn or undo in my adult life, i can simply start learning what i want/need to right away. also, i guess it didn't hit me until she brought it up, but everything about me is so different from just a year ago, last january. i seem to feel like a completely different person quite often, every 1-3 years, this time though it finally feels like i'm moving in a direction i want. as for my closest friends, they don't really know much about transness and they're a little weird about it right now, but they all seem genuinely supportive regardless. i don't mind answering their questions, they'll get used to it eventually i'm sure. i think in this group i don't feel the safest, i worry about their acceptance a lot, but i do feel the most belonging. i think i would call them my real family.

besides that i'm trying to continue chilling out with media. i need a short break from reading, luckily the next bookbug is a much shorter book that i could probably finish in a week or so. i started watching azumanga finally for the memes and it hasn't disappointed. i started playing disco elysium as well, and holy shit what a game. i went in almost totally blind, which is something i seldom do (i get a little scared and intimidated sometimes by brand new things, as small as they might be). i'm kinda glad that i did, figuring out the gameplay has been a really unique intuitive learning curve. for real though, when i talked to a random person outside and succeeded a bunch of hidden empathy checks and i got a vision of someone else's longing for home, which started a deep conversation about what it means to miss someone... to me, that was the moment when the game went from something really neat to something truly special. i hope to play so much more of it, but i feel like i have to put aside tons of time because i can't pull myself away when i start lol.

i should really reorganize my diary by monthly pages instead of daily pages. when i set all this up i didn't anticipate myself actually finding such a love for writing, or making it a cope either for that matter. it's gonna be so tedious. tedium isn't that bad though, at least it's not javascript! currently my brain is swimming with ideas for a theme changer and cute themes, so i really wanna do that. i should probablyyyy get mobile or firefox support going first but that sounds so boring in comparison. i'm gonna kick myself if i work out of order and the mobile support process kills the theme changer though so i guess i have to start with that. both will likely happen this month when i get bored enough during the day. i like gaming through the night and anime at dusk, so that leaves some empty time when the sun is up.

saw a gorgeous sunrise this morning by the way. normally i hate sunrises because i love night so much. this one was special, the clouds had a rolling pattern, eastern sides illuminated by peach-pink gradient sunlight with western valleys darkened navy by shadow. thin striations of cerulean clear sky interspersed between them. none of it showed up on camera, it was all washed out by the crest of the sun's corona, so i didn't bother, just opted to enjoy the moment.