~4:30pm Jun 4, 2024
Mood: wistful
Listening to: ami - using me ⧉

had my last therapy appointment today. even though our relationship was quite clinical, it was still personal. i never really learned anything about her but mostly because i didn't ask. we both understood our practitioner-patient dynamic very well, although i could tell she deeply cares about me and is very invested in my success. she's always been on my side when no one else was. i'll always remember our 3rd session, when i told her about my f*mily dynamic and how my childhood therapist of 10 years told me masking is the only safe option, she cried. i'll miss her. i gave her my website url though. this isn't social media, i'm ok with moving on and never speaking to her again. it's up to her if she would like to check up on me occasionally, or not at all. the only thing i want is for my site to represent me and for it to connect with at least one person indirectly, unbeknownst to me.

on the topic of my site, soon i'm going to send it into hibernation. every page on my site has been archived on wayback, so it can still be browsed, but i'm thinking i might delete everything temporarily while i'm on hiatus and working on a new site to represent my new life. depending on the state of my old laptop, i may still find a way to update the song of the week and post blogs, since they're the most fun i have maintaining the site. if not, i'll keep a physical diary and transcribe it all when i return. oh i'll also get a new guestbook running before i go, just in case anyone wants to send me good vibes.

overall i had a nice day with my grandfather and puppy. i went to my old dentist to pick up all my spare retainers to take with me, so we had to spend even more time together than usual. somehow it feels like the universe wanted to make this last trip together our best one yet. he's really easy to small talk with, and we bonded over how ridiculous we think my aunt is with caring for this dog. she went on a business trip so we had to take him with us, and he slept on my lap in the car. he's barely ever seen me, but he felt safe around me very quickly. at some points in the conversation i hinted at how much i dislike the f*mily and how dysfunctional things are. i'm sure my grandfather will kick himself in the ass next week with the benefit of hindsight. he doesn't know. i will miss him too. and i'll miss the dog that i barely know too.

completely unrelated, can you believe the southern hemisphere doesn't have accepted full moon names? that's so fucking boring! i'm not going to just invert the months/seasons, that would be an insult to both cultural contexts. basically i'm gonna have to choose the names myself for my photo log.