UA's Sanctuary

winded

- 01-29-2026, diary

hihi everyone!! it's been a while since i've written in my diary, and it's also been a bit since i feel like i've done something meaningful with my website in general,,,, there's a few reasons for that and i've been meaning to pin this part of my life onto a page. also it's my birthday today lol

i mean first of all i'm busy as fuck. reflecting on myself from the past, or even just like this time last year, it's insane to me how much i've changed. my calendar is constantly full of life responsibilities, work meetings, events, or parties, not even accounting for the chores and meals i do at home. these days it feels like if i have even one day off where i have literally nothing to do, i go a little feral, like today, which is why i'm writing. i find that i actually do kinda enjoy having a ton of plans on, and it also feels great that i can strategically plan certain days to have relatively less to do, or fully rest days. i did plan my birthday today to have nothing going on, not even chores, and i'm surprised that i feel bored and restless. i used to never have anything going on ever, and i resented when i did. of course i never had the chance when i was an abused neet, but later (last year) when i did have the chance i tended to opt out, having a comfortable maximum of like 3 things per month. now i feel so fucking GOOD about myself and my body has so much ENERGY it's gross. i was a little worried for a bit thinking i might be manic, but actually i'm unbelievably present and unanxious. only times my mood has swung into hypomania i felt significantly uninhibited, dissociated, and panicked all the time. this feels like the opposite of all those. i'm just happy and confident normal style. funny how being stuck at a garbage baseline distorts your actual reality, even when that baseline improves to a much less bad but still kinda bad level.

for real though, this busyness in the last couple months was fucked up. the very truncated version of it goes something like this: our landlord decided to sell our house, our lease ran out and no one has bothered renewing it, we've had a lot of strangers inspect our place meanwhile we've been inspecting a lot of other places to move to. everyone in our house including me got extremely involved in different administration/management areas for our community event space, since it just became a worker's volunteer cooperative. in december we also volunteered to house a homeless girl for at least 3 months since we had at least that much time per tenant's rights. literally just days later our one housemate took a holiday to taiwan for a month and the other housemate applied to a house without the rest of us and moved out. very quickly we realized "oh shit we can't afford rent with just us 3 remaining we're fucked". so the homeless girl we promised stability to rocks up, moves in, and then first night we're all like "uhm sorry we are also homeless in one month so you gotta get out in like 3 weeks". she was pretty understandably depressed and helpless so we did literally all we could to reach out to our contacts for her, didn't make her do any chores, tried to cook for her and teach her to cook for herself, etc. then we moved her out and i was so fuckin relieved she found a cheap stable place, i felt so responsibile for her safety since i promised at the start. during that whole time it was just my wife and i taking care of the house, our vacationing housemate's dog, our guest, our garden, and each other, and we're both disabled as fuck lmao. we were so domestic it was fucked up and awesome.

that segment of the story has been resolved, the time where my wife and i were taking care of everything while we had 1 or 2 guests to take care of. our housemate's been back from taiwan for a couple weeks and is reintegrated in chores and whatnot. that doesn't change the fact we're still fucked for rent, and we didn't make our end-of-january deadline, so we have just straight up eaten an enormous financial loss for february's rent. at least we have 4 more weeks to keep applying for new houses. the market is so ass and so many days are impossible to travel due to 45C weather. no air conditioning! fuck me! and of course we keep getting busier with co-op work since it's approaching our grand reopening in february. plus my stubborn ass initiated and is managing an entire project to replace discord and phase out google for the next few months. oh also lmao i'm in the middle of getting married too. fingers crossed my new visa status will vastly improve my employability in this fucking xenophobic country. i definitely don't need more work to do but gang i'm gonna be real i've been broke and accruing debt for months now.

secondly i don't have a ton of reason to write consistently anymore. i have a lot of reasons why i don't instead. don't get me wrong, i still love writing, and i'm still overanalyzing every piece of storytelling i run into. what's changed is that i don't really need to rely on writing, emotionally nor creatively. writing was my best and primary coping skill for a long time and it saved my life more than once. at this point though i'm nowhere near as depressed, suicidal, triggered, or dissociated anymore, so i simply don't need saving. PTSD healing is lifelong though, i definitely get triggered a lot still. not only is my anxiety at a baseline much lower so it doesn't ruin my day anymore, and not only is my mood control better and more practiced, my housemates are SO invaluable. they're so safe, sensitive to my emotions, attentive to my needs, generous, responsible. they listen and help me even when i'm nonverbal. omg they're so helpful in everything, i love them so much. i love my wife. they make me blush and cry. i love my co-op too they can be clutch sometimes.

what point was i making? yeah i don't need writing or blogging to regulate my mood as much anymore. i spend less time dysregulated, i'm better at regulating, and my loved ones have become more effective for regulation for me. a habit i used to have regardless of my mood was to write to record my life. since i was so dissociated so often, i felt like i needed to remember minor events that happened to me, or else i'd completely lose my sense of self. i mean now it'd be impractical to try to record everything, fuck. really though i'm almost never dissociated, thus i almost never feel the need to track myself. although it was fucking hilarious looking back at the last few entries' dates, then deducing that near the start of every month is when i get my period. blew my fucking mind that i get periods now, and i do indeed have my diary to thank for figuring it out. being aware of that pattern helps me regulate my mood better too.

finally, i haven't felt like writing or webdevving for a while because i have new creative outlets now. my wife, bless her, has fuckin ripped me straight out of my creative trauma blocks. between creative events she hosts, her ideas, her collaboration, her materials, and her patience, i've overcome some of my most hardcore deep seated triggers. it's not all her, like i've been healing in general a ton for years, she's just really pushed me over the biggest remaining bump. we're making a handful of games for a game-a-week jam together. 6 games in 6 weeks with different themes. while i hand-draw the graphics she does the coding. i'll probably post them on this site when i get the chance.

rest assured i am not abandoning my site. i love it very much, i love it as much as i love myself and my past selves. i know i will have ups and downs in my interest over time, however the web will remain one of my strongest passions forever. the nekoweb migration is going to happen, it's just a matter of when i have the time for it. i could start working on it piecemeal now, i would really rather doing it all in one shot though. i'm waiting for when i have about a week of spare time, so maybe whenever i catch a cold or something lol. i haven't forgotten about the shrines either, i'm so eager to get around to them too. life update done! till next time. donations (or commissions) still extremely very much super appreciated `(*>﹏<*)′

01-29-2026

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gas

- 09-29-2025, diary

in a bind. not going to lie, up to this point in my life i never seriously thought i would experience financial hardship. primarily because i consume almost nothing, i steal shit constantly, and i have zero inclination to materialism. secondarily because for most of my life i thought i would be dead before i hit independent adulthood. and finally, because i fucking figured 10 whole months of job hunting would actually, y'know, land me a job. even if only for a little while. fucking anything would help.

yeah i guess this is where i'm at now. well, realistically, i've been forgoing things i really want and need for months now. sleeping on an air mattress for a year and a half to avoid mattress and bedframe spending, keeping my pre-transition and worn out clothes to avoid shopping, skipping meals, missing doctor's appointments. but now i'm really there, at the end of the rope. i can no longer afford my share of the rent. my friends and support networks are willing to do so much more for me, even more, it actually baffles me, and no matter how much i grapple with my self-worth it feels like i simply cannot deserve it.

what i actually feel like i need to write about though is the anger and exhaustion. first off, how the fuck does 10 months of job searching yield not even one single callback? i've applied to nearly 150 places, in all kinds of menial min wage service positions, and complete silence. i've taken courses to expand my marketable skills, had resume consultations, i keep white lying about shit. people tell me the market sucks and i have to keep trying, but surely this can't be the average experience. i think the reality is that australia is xenophobic as fuck and nearly every business refuses to hire immigrants. every fuckin place needs to know my work rights, which feels like it's specially created to catch non-citizens in the first pass, even though my actual working rights are literally identical. a friend of a friend here went back to america because he couldn't find a job within 2 years.

hand in hand with the injustice i face is the stagnation. like i said, i've been festering in this state of refusing myself necessities to afford medicine and rent for months. that also means i can't really meet friends at places, for dinner or for concerts or things like that. i just kind of stay home and poke away at more job applications until i pass out in my chair, since my air bed is too uncomfortable to get a night's rest. when my bestie turned and left, she also ousted me from half of our mutual friends, so suddenly all my acquaintaces have cut me off, all from rumors. i feel powerless. i feel unmotivated to do things i like. stagnation feels like regression.

the only things keeping me going are my current close friends and the feeling of breaking through when things finally do pan out. it unfortunately has just taken too much time to, so i don't really know how else to stave off destitution. the only thing i can think of are commissions. of which, my only art that i can sell is my webdev capabilities. i have VERY strong feelings towards the practice of producing someone else's personal hobbyist site or blog. but this is the fucking vise grip of capitalism, isn't it? you have to compromise your principles to make a buck. idk, i'm probably smart enough to find some way of doing it that is productive and doesn't totally sacrifice myself. honestly though the more i think about it and the more it feels like i have to, the less and less i can bring myself to commit. especially when i have no experience doing this sort of thing, i don't know where to start, i'm very limited when it comes to... ADVERTISING (i'm going to throw up), and there are so many extra steps to setting up payment in multiple currencies. fuck.

well, in the process of venting, i guess this also ended up being a bit of a cry for help. if you, the reader, can offer advice with beginning commissions, or any suggestions otherwise, email me.

09-29-2025

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chase

- 08-10-2025, diary

i think i have a lot on my mind right now and it's all catching up to me. today i woke up feeling like shit and couldn't get out of bed, and the lethargy has only gotten worse the longer the day goes on. i'm restless and exhausted, i want to do something and nothing is appealing. maybe i'll feel better soon since the sun is setting, but it's eating at me why i feel this way at all considering i shouldn't have anything to worry about. i've had a great last couple weeks, and a good last few days.

first of all, i had another nightmare where all my teeth fell out again. that only happens when i'm dysregulated for an extended period, days usually, even throughout sleeping. so that's how i know something's wrong. stressful or triggering nightmares are definitely enough to ruin a whole day for me, which is probably the reason why my day feels ruined today, though they never show up randomly, they manifest only when i have compounding dissociation.

i mean, since the last entry, a few things have happened. less than a week had gone by before aforementioned housemate moved out and cut us off overnight. i'm still sad about it because i care about her and she's sick, unrecognizable even, evidently though she thinks i'm dangerous or unsafe. i don't regret it because now my house without them feels safe and cooperative, a feeling i didn't quite know i was feeling until i felt its absence. this very closely mirrors how back in june my one community immediately improved without the one toxic person. in july my home and housemates immediately improved without the one toxic person. i suppose lately i've been thinking about yet another toxic person in my life. this friend is my oldest friend, and i'm pretty sure he's shown up in my diary as a pain point before. we tried catching up over vc the other week, and we chatted for a few hours, but nothing about it felt very genuine. my guard was up the entire time, and he seemed to be a bit manic, maybe that was the whole reason why he reached out in the first place. after about 4 hours i opened up a little bit about how shit i was feeling with the whole housemate situation, and explained most of the long story. toward the end i could tell he was splitting really really hard at me, said he had to go, and abruptly stopped the whole thing. it's been almost 2 weeks and we haven't spoken a word since. i know it's not really his fault he splits like that, but i don't think that i can fucking handle anyone with bpd anymore. period. i think i'm really beating myself up over it too, like i feel like a huge asshole for blanket stating i cannot even be in the same room as people with bpd. the reality of it though is that this is a massive trigger, potentially my most painful. splitting doesn't feel good for anybody at all, i know that, however for me it feels like getting hit by a truck. and i'm so fucking familiar with bpd that i can recognize parts of the entire cycle, even if the person is totally fine at the moment, i'm just so terrified of when the shoe will drop, and because of the nature of bpd it always does, and then my paranoia feels confirmed, and it's just a whole spiral. i hate feeling uncompromising. i'm pretty sure that in and of itself is rooted in always needing to deescalate conflicts, negoatiate, appease, or enable.

the other day while i was out at a function, i merely overheard that someone's partner whom i had never met was having a bpd meltdown episode over text. looking back on it now even just hearing about it then sent me into a panicked dissociative episode for at least 2 entire hours. at what point do i become the bad guy? my triggers are my problem and they're my responsibility to learn how to cope with. i shouldn't automatically reject people for their disorders they have no control over. but here i am, still letting this relationship i have with my friend just slowly fester and decay because i'm literally too indifferent to bother reaching out. i simply don't want to talk to him, and i haven't for several years at this point. should i care? should i be more patient with him? should i rip the band-aid off and tell him straight up we aren't friends? should i prioritize myself and be more selfish? am i really going to cut off a 3rd childhood friend in a 3 month span? is there something wrong with me?

i'm doubting my own judgement so harshly. normally my convictions are so strong, but i really can't get the words of my friend whom i cut off in june said. "flight risk" just echoes around in my mind all the time. i can't fucking believe i'm letting it get to me so much, he tried to hurt me so bad and he fucking succeeded. he dug his fingers right into my oldest wounds; disloyalty. i have to cry and scream at myself that i don't give up on people, that people decide they don't want me, but emotionally i just can't get it. it always feels like my fault when i lose people, even when i'm running away from them. emotionally i still don't understand in what world is it ok to give up on people. fuck man, it's not even like that in reality, there is no "giving up".

ugh, things don't have to be so black and white. clearly i've known this guy for the majority of our lives, and i've been stuck in his cycles one way or another for like 17 fucking years. i think i have every right to decide if i want his company or not. meanwhile, it's understandable why i would be triggered around other bpd strangers, but it's not ok to be prejudiced against their very presence. i'm in control of my own life, and i can choose who i do or don't let into my closer circles. that's so much more humanizing of a rejection. idk, i have to sit on these emotions until they pass. at least logically i think i found the path forward. i need some fuckin ice cream dawg

08-10-2025

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