anxiety and excitement sitting still in the path of something extremely distant yet extremely fast
continuous exponential confirmation that whatever is on the horizon is surely heading directly for me
simultaneous relief and worry that denial grants me when i doubt its infallible trajectory
realization that the threat is so monolithic that it's too late to run out of the way even if i started now
horrible apprehension and bliss as the inevitable precipice prepares to annihilate me
abject terror alloyed with perfect ecstasy in the core of your amygdala the very last millisecond before you are entirely consumed and irreversibly reconstructed into something beyond beauty itself

you will always be a part of me
those crystalline fragments embedded in my ghost
the impossible warmth of your cold iron hands
and the freezing doom of your warm embrace
most times it makes me nauseous
sometimes though it's sheer ecstasy
and then i am disgusted with myself again

i am grateful for the moments of bliss you gave me
i hold them dearly in the pain of my heart
i embody shards of what i once loved
i am better now
i don't think i can ever forgive what you did to me
i hope you are doing well
i pray we never speak again

often i forget that i have almond milk

i'm so used to defaulting to regular milk
and i mentally prepare myself for the physical pain
that i'll surely have for the rest of the day
bracing for the worst
thoughtlessly subjecting myself to suffering
automatically accepting agony
it's just time to feel like i'm dying again
putting up with being unheard and unloved
pain hunger loneliness fear dissociation
because there's nothing else in this life
because otherwise i won't eat
because i deserve it

then i remember that there's almond milk
and i remark
"oh, there's almond milk"
and my roommates are wordlessly confused
every single time

that's how i know i'm still healing
i'm still too used to surviving
without accommodations
like almond milk

A PHRASE USED IDIOMATICALLY
AN EXPRESSION
WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY THAT SOMEONE IS STRUGGLING

A PHRASE USED TO WOUND
AN EXPRESSION OF FRUSTRATION
BECAUSE THEIR PAIN IS ANNOYING YOU

A PHRASE USED BY THE HEARTLESS
AN EXPRESSION OF PAIN
FROM SOMEONE WITH NO CONCEPT OF AGONY

A PHRASE USED FOR DIMINISHMENT
AN EXPRESSION OF GRIEF
IN THE FACE OF THE GRIEVING

A PHRASE USED FROM INDIGNANCE
AN EXPRESSION OF IRONY
APPALLED BY THE SUGGESTION OF A GREATER SUFFERING

A PHRASE USED AS A WEAPON
AN EXPRESSION OF BLAME
TO MAKE VICTIMS FEEL RESPONSIBLE

A PHRASE USED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
AN EXPRESSION OF TOUGH LOVE
BUT EVERYBODY FORGETS HELL'S PAVEMENT

you had an unfortunate accident
you didn't know what to do
you tried and gave up

you disliked speaking with me
you preferred to sit in the other room
you told me i was a burden
you believed i was broken
you exposed me to evil
you doubted my dreams
you criticized my desperation
you threatened me with suicide

you wanted me to stay powerless
you lost all faith in me
you forgot who i was
you never listened to me
you betrayed me over and over
you set me up for failure
you blamed me for the way i am
i finally decided to leave
so why am i sad to go?

the borders of my body are fuzzy
a mass whose boundaries slip an inch under the surface of everything
the snowy edges of my form breach and fill the mask you wear
skin made for quantum tunneling into the heart
the empty space between electrons and nuclei are my passageways
electric current tonguing to find the jagged path of least resistance
it has memorized the way through the menger sponge so many times
sorrow absorbs into my permeable membrane in an instant
dyed pain diffuses all throughout my variegated gel
you cannot hide yourself from me
i am an amorphous rapist
for better or for worse